Incredible weight loss miracle!!!!

Confession time– I am an addict.  A food addict.  That’s no bullshit.  I have been a closet, compulsive, emotional eater for my entire life.  I have struggled with food and  my weight as long as I can remember.  I have probably gained and lost over 300 pounds in my lifetime. I have tipped the scales at 170, and been as skeletal as 109.  My perfect weight is 117.  I currently weigh 126.  Did I just tell the whole freaking world that? I am a small person, but not as small as a Hobbit, and not so hairy-so 170 is a hefty load for me to carry.   I have starved, I have  exercised, I have  dieted, I  have tried Dexatrim, Slimfast, Splenda, chugging a gallon of water a day, even cabbage soup.

Kinda makes you want to give up food entirely, doesn’t it?

I tried hard to Stop The Insanity, but you all know that didn’t work.  I think it was the hair.  I could never rock that hair.

How many calories can you burn lifting your eyebrows?

I used the Atkins diet many, many times, but how much  meat can you eat without bread?  What fun is a plate full of bacon, cheese and butter without a harmless little potato buried under it?

You see what’s missing here? The stuff you really love, that’s what.

I even went to a hypnotist.  This was a last-ditch effort.  I went with an old friend who happens to follow this blog.  Remember that night, Tina?  Did it work for you?  Sure as hell didn’t work for me.

Chocolate tastes like dog doo doo……it really does,….relax,…….Oh, who am I kidding? Thank god you pre-paid for this load of horse shit. Don’t forget to buy the audio cassette on your way out.

I thought I had finally found the key to weight loss success.  This is not a commercial, but I mean Weight Watchers.  That is the one nugget of truth you will get from this post.

Just tell me I don’t look great, bitches.
Oh yeah, who’s the lard ass now?

After battling  my weight since puberty,  just a few months on Weight Watchers helped me lose  55 pounds.  I kept it off for over 5 years, which my doctor says is pretty rare.  But what the hell does he know?  He never could figure out why I had that horrible infection in my face, and gave up medicine to be a horse rancher in Wyoming.  Another fact that is not bullshit.  But I digress.  The point is,….it works.

Instead of eating when I felt stressed out, I exercised.  I didn’t hide a bag of M&M’s in my pillowcase or dresser drawer or glove box anymore. (Good god, how pathetic, I really did that)  I went to the gym.  When I left my husband, I worked all day, and then went home and stomped on the rebound tramp for 45 minutes, then lifted weights, then did yard work. It’s amazing how buff you can get when you add rage to your workout plan.  I was woman, and you could hear me roar.

Now that I am no longer filled with rage, I’m getting rather squishy.   They say that love makes you fat.  I don’t know if that’s the case, or if I am just finally relaxed enough that I can eat and don’t feel the need to be in constant motion, but I have gained about 10 pounds in the last year or so and it really bothers me.  I  was so afraid my wedding dress wasn’t going to fit.  But thanks to good friends with bodacious skills, I was all trussed up like a Thanksgiving turkey and  the extra fat squirted out of the top, making me look a little more boobylicious than I would have liked in church, but definitely not fat.

I never have to wear this dress again, so I am going to eat cake like a hog at the reception.
You got a problem with that?
What do you mean my arms look fat?
I’ll cut you. Slice you like a loaf of french bread.

While Weight Watchers is definitely a fine program, eating a balanced diet and exercising regularly are too much work.  This time around, I am looking for an easy fix.  So, I was somewhat content to be fat and happy until such a weight loss miracle presented itself.    Yesterday, it happened!  Rarely can the great interweb vortex change your life, but I received an email with a Groupon for an amazing new product  and my snowglobe was shaken:

Zaggora HOT pants

Will you just at a look at those awesome, slimming hot pants!!!!   What could be a better way to lose weight than to wear something that will make your ass sweat all day!!!  Who needs  Richard Simmons?

The balloons don’t make me look less creepy?

I can sweat to the oldies, or the elevator music, or just the song stuck in my head–without lifting a finger!  I am so stoked about these pants.  I can continue to eat like food will be outlawed tomorrow and leave  my lethargic and sedentary lifestyle  intact.  I think this is the best thing to hit the weight loss scene since bingeing and purging.  What?  That’s not a diet?  That’s a disease?  Is it contagious?   I can’t wait to see how awesome I look in my Pajama Jeans with these underneath.  Now, if I can just get some shoes with a sweat bag to catch the run off, I will be all set.  I will let you know how they work.  Stay tuned!

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11 thoughts on “Incredible weight loss miracle!!!!

  1. OMG! You and me both … weight on, weight off (I even wrote about it in one of my earlier blog posts; ‘Day Diet Died’). I have no clue what Spanx are but by the sound of it I am somewhat doubtful! So I will wait for the further reports!

    Take Care,
    Daniela

    • Spanx are the undergarments of the stars. They suck your whole body into a little tube so you look FABULOUS on the red carpet. I was smart when I got married. With the ball gown skirt, no one knew how fat my ass really was. ;-)

      • Well if I am ever to get married again (was once to a father of my child but that was a long and a sad story) I am going to ask you to please come over to make sure I look at least OK!

        Daniela

  2. Really nice post today. I’m impressed and proud of you that you took the weight off and kept it off – and you did it the right way. Good for you! I lost a bunch of weight once doing the low carb thing. Blew out my gall bladder.

    • As I type, I am in the throes of making 24 loaves of banana bread for church. It’s going to be tough to make sure they all get there….well, maybe 23 will get there. But, when you have an entire shelf in your freezer devoted to banana bread, you’ve become a church lady. My gall bladder is still in tact by the way. I had no idea low carbing it could do that to you. Thanks for the info.

      • Doc said too much fat was run through it too quickly. Plus the 4F effect – fat, fair, female, and 40. (I wasn’t THAT fat!). Live and learn. You are an awesome church lady to make all that banana bread!

      • Aww shucks. They are small. 8 batches of dough all together. It’s Prince Charming’s 3rd generation family recipe. I am awaiting approval from the women folk on his side to post the awesomeness that this recipe is. I took pics through the whole process just in case they give me the go ahead, and no, I didn’t stir it with my feet.

  3. Oh dear, I can relate to this post a little too much I think, which is why I’m still laughing! However if my weight were what your’s is currently, I would blast that to the whole world my friend, that’s awesome! Let’s just say I’m on the 10-year plan to getting there :-). Spanks are an awesome invention! I love how the lumps & bumps just smooth right out! Love the pic of you in your wedding dress, you look gorgeous! And I must add, I think you’ve done a wonderful job picking a new theme for your blog, it flows beautifully. Wanna help me with mine? Ugh! Great post Cheeky Diva!!

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