Confession time– I am an addict. A food addict. That’s no bullshit. I have been a closet, compulsive, emotional eater for my entire life. I have struggled with food and my weight as long as I can remember. I have probably gained and lost over 300 pounds in my lifetime. I have tipped the scales at 170, and been as skeletal as 109. My perfect weight is 117. I currently weigh 126. Did I just tell the whole freaking world that? I am a small person, but not as small as a Hobbit, and not so hairy-so 170 is a hefty load for me to carry. I have starved, I have exercised, I have dieted, I have tried Dexatrim, Slimfast, Splenda, chugging a gallon of water a day, even cabbage soup.
I tried hard to Stop The Insanity, but you all know that didn’t work. I think it was the hair. I could never rock that hair.
I used the Atkins diet many, many times, but how much meat can you eat without bread? What fun is a plate full of bacon, cheese and butter without a harmless little potato buried under it?
I even went to a hypnotist. This was a last-ditch effort. I went with an old friend who happens to follow this blog. Remember that night, Tina? Did it work for you? Sure as hell didn’t work for me.
I thought I had finally found the key to weight loss success. This is not a commercial, but I mean Weight Watchers. That is the one nugget of truth you will get from this post.
After battling my weight since puberty, just a few months on Weight Watchers helped me lose 55 pounds. I kept it off for over 5 years, which my doctor says is pretty rare. But what the hell does he know? He never could figure out why I had that horrible infection in my face, and gave up medicine to be a horse rancher in Wyoming. Another fact that is not bullshit. But I digress. The point is,….it works.
Instead of eating when I felt stressed out, I exercised. I didn’t hide a bag of M&M’s in my pillowcase or dresser drawer or glove box anymore. (Good god, how pathetic, I really did that) I went to the gym. When I left my husband, I worked all day, and then went home and stomped on the rebound tramp for 45 minutes, then lifted weights, then did yard work. It’s amazing how buff you can get when you add rage to your workout plan. I was woman, and you could hear me roar.
Now that I am no longer filled with rage, I’m getting rather squishy. They say that love makes you fat. I don’t know if that’s the case, or if I am just finally relaxed enough that I can eat and don’t feel the need to be in constant motion, but I have gained about 10 pounds in the last year or so and it really bothers me. I was so afraid my wedding dress wasn’t going to fit. But thanks to good friends with bodacious skills, I was all trussed up like a Thanksgiving turkey and the extra fat squirted out of the top, making me look a little more boobylicious than I would have liked in church, but definitely not fat.
While Weight Watchers is definitely a fine program, eating a balanced diet and exercising regularly are too much work. This time around, I am looking for an easy fix. So, I was somewhat content to be fat and happy until such a weight loss miracle presented itself. Yesterday, it happened! Rarely can the great interweb vortex change your life, but I received an email with a Groupon for an amazing new product and my snowglobe was shaken:
Will you just at a look at those awesome, slimming hot pants!!!! What could be a better way to lose weight than to wear something that will make your ass sweat all day!!! Who needs Richard Simmons?
I can sweat to the oldies, or the elevator music, or just the song stuck in my head–without lifting a finger! I am so stoked about these pants. I can continue to eat like food will be outlawed tomorrow and leave my lethargic and sedentary lifestyle intact. I think this is the best thing to hit the weight loss scene since bingeing and purging. What? That’s not a diet? That’s a disease? Is it contagious? I can’t wait to see how awesome I look in my Pajama Jeans with these underneath. Now, if I can just get some shoes with a sweat bag to catch the run off, I will be all set. I will let you know how they work. Stay tuned!