More bilge for your buck! 4 movie reviews in one!

SPOILER ALERT: Please don’t read if you haven’t seen these movies, but thanks for dropping by!  Go watch the Resident Evil series, and then come back.  Go on, git!  I’ll be here.

This weekend, my husband and I worked our hineys off.  Don’t I look thinner?  We put our house up for sale, so of course, it has to look like no one lives there.  Which is a lot more work than I ever anticipated.  That being said, we are ninjas.  Not only did we totally kick that house’s ass, but we were able to make time to watch 5-count em-5 movies.  Friday night, we watched the heart warming classic Misery.

Ha Ha Milla. So you’re a smokin hot action hero.
But I won a cocka-doody Oscar for my movie.

Everyone has seen that movie.  Unparalleled for creepy and perfect to start a romantic weekend of scraping, scrubbing, shoveling and sorting.  But I’m not going to review that one.  If you haven’t seen it, where have you been?  It’s been around forever.

We would work for a few hours and then take a “power break” to watch a movie.  My husband has been wanting to see the newest installment of the Resident Evil franchise, and I, being so meek, mild and sheltered, had not seen a one of them.  So, we got all four Resident Evil movies and watched them  between fits of very focused drudgery.

I’m not really going to differentiate between  them very much.  I guess I will review the series overall.  So I lied to you about getting four movie reviews.  Do you feel cheated?  Duped?  Shamelessly taken advantage of?  Gawd! You’re such a baby!  I did like them for the most part as a whole, and am very much looking forward to seeing the latest one soon.  I had not been a Milla Jehovahswitness fan before viewing these films.  I think The 5th Element was the only movie I’ve ever seen her in, and I wasn’t too impressed with her acting.  I could die my hair orange, wear nothing but bandages and grunt too.  In fact I have done that before.  Recently.

Hello? I know a word in your language. “Agent”

Anywhoo.  There is no denying these are my type of movies.  I took an immediate liking to the first one.   Lotsa shiny things blow up!  Zombies, killing, a pockylips and James Purefoy!  Woo Hoo!  With a name like James Purefoy, it’s gotta be good!  Bummer he keeps his clothes on and ends up being a fugly monster.  But in the mean time–look it’s James Purefoy!!!!   I suffered through The Tudors and Rome mainly because of this guy.  Did I mention James Purefoy is in this movie too?

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because I’m the misguided bad guy who ended the world as we know it. But i feel fine.

And who could forget the hotness that is Oded Fehr? GRRRRRRRRR with Grrrnesss!  Haven’t seen this swarthy sweetie pie since The Mummy.  But I know he’s been around, looking all swarthy and junk.  I do miss the under eye tattoos and his black desert ensemble.  I have to admit he looks better that way.

What do you mean I looked “cuter” in The Mummy?
I’m not here to be “cute”.I’m here for the money,
just like everybody else.

All that’s missing is a cameo from Sam Neill, and this would be a damn fine series of films.  I’m going to talk about the first three  as a group and then separately give  my take on the last one.  Get on with it already you say?  Ok fine.  Patience is a virtue-that you obviously don’t possess.  Okay, let’s move on to our fine lady badasses.  Let’s start with Michelle Rodriguez.  I swear she’s the same character in everything I’ve seen her in.  She’s tough, she’s mean, she takes no prisoners.  She flies a helicopter, she’s a cop, she carries a gun.  She points, she shoots, bad guys fall down and go boom.

Point and shoot, that’s it? No character development? No back story? How much am I getting paid for this?

Next up, we have the lovely and talented Ali Larter.  I enjoyed her in Heroes.  I  miss that show.  In the Resident Evil movies, she’s also tough and kicks some serious ass.  But, she is the mother of the poor floundering band of survivors.  She keeps them all together, she organizes, she looks adorable in aviator shades and wouldn’t we all love to have a cute little butt like hers?

Type A organizer, mother figure, ruthless zombie killer, total hottie.
The all American girl.

Then there’s “cop dressed like a hooker girl”  I have no idea what her name is, but I didn’t like her anyway.  I wasn’t too disappointed that we didn’t see her after the first movie.

What do you mean I don’t get to be in the next one? I don’t get killed? I just disappear? Whatever.

Moving on to  Ashanti as Betty.  Adorable Dr. Betty.  Looks like there is a budding romance going on between her and LJ. But only for about 39 seconds!   Why did they have to kill Dr. Betty??????  Okay, when LJ turned into a zombie, I guess it was okay.  Now he won’t be lonely and heartbroken anymore.  I hope they meet in zombie heaven?

I don’t like those birds. They give me a real creepy feeling.

Last but not least, we have K-Mart.  What high school girl wouldn’t want to be stuck with a moniker like K-Mart! Included here simply because I think K-Mart is a such a  plucky name for a girl.

Now on to Alice.  Wow!  That girl has some serious skills, does she not?  I love how her “powers” develop and grow as the story moves forward, and the way she makes her way through a series of wacky misadventures just like she’s a character in a video game.  What?  She IS a character in a video game?  Well paint me red and call me Cooter!  I had no idea!

I think that Alice is such a fashion icon.  She gets to wear some of the prettiest, trendiest and  most easy breezy postapocalyptic outfits ever!  All so practical.  The shorts with the garters must be my favorite.  Sure wish I could pull that off in my everyday life!

Even her clones are tres chic! But I have to admit that hairstyle is much too severe for the shape of her (their) face.

Brylcreem. The hair pomade of choice for clones in the future. A little dab will still do you.

So, a thousand words in and still no movie review.  I bet you DO feel duped and cheated by now.  I’ll try to keep the rest brief.  If you like sci-fi or are a fan of the video game, odds are good that you’ve already seen these movies and aren’t even reading this, so why am I talking to you anyway?  If you are a sci-fi fan and haven’t seen these, like I hadn’t, I would highly recommend them.  Especially the first three.  A lot of action, a lot of story, good acting and not bad writing.  It was a really fun thrill ride and a much-needed break from the task at hand.  I’m sure the gory parts were good if you’re into that kind of thing, but since I have to cover my eyes when that stuff assaults my tv screen, I can’t be sure.  The three movies progress at a good pace, have enough eye candy to keep a viewer interested, and blend well together almost seamlessly, leaving few ends untied or questions unanswered.  Number 4, Resident Evil Afterlife, falls far short of the rest for a number of reasons.

1.  Alice seems to look luminous and beautiful in this movie. In some scenes she even appears to glow.   Not necessarily a bad thing, but she is looking more plasticky, more like an avatar, and less like a person.  Especially a person who rides around the desert on a motorcycle, sleeps outside, has no expensive beauty products or even sunscreen at her disposal.  She does seem to have access to an unending supply of lip gloss however.

2.It really felt to me like a Matrix wannabe.  Slow mo action scenes, patent leather jumpsuits and a villain in shades all had me wondering just what movie I was watching.  The replacement Umbrella chairman only dreams he could be Hugo Weaving, and I kept expecting to hear him call Alice “Mr. Anderson”.

3. I was disappointed that the zombies and monsters seemed to evolve from scary and gross to overdone and cartoony.  Especially the giant hammer wielding beast that eventually shattered the security of the survivor’s prison haven.  What the hell was that thing?

Could it be? Is it Matt? Our tragic hero turned villain from the first movie?
I guess we’ll never know for sure.

But what really killed it for me was this guy.  Seriously?  What a smarmy inside joke  to use the kid from Prison Break as the only “prisoner” left in the giant …..prison.  And his acting is just soooooo very bad it made me want to cry.  Literally.  I didn’t know whether to laugh at him or write his poor mother a letter of condolence.  Squinting and trying to make your voice sound deeper does NOT make you Clint Eastwood.  It makes you look ridiculous.  Someone please tell me he gets dead shortly after the opening credits of Resident Evil, Alice’s Restaurant.

I’m what you call “an Actor!”

27 thoughts on “More bilge for your buck! 4 movie reviews in one!

  1. You put your house on the market, cleaned it out, watched and reviewed 5 movies, and you STILL had time to write a blog post? Are you wonder woman?

    P.S. Nice shiny Freshly Pressed logo you have my dear.

    • Ha ha! Thanks. I love how my “movie review” turned out to be anything but! Thanks for the suggestion. I could totally review movies based on hot guys and cute outfits. Maybe I should develop a scaling system. Wonderful idea you gave me. I can really use a coach. :-)

      • Well, you’re in luck, I’m generally chock full of idle ideas. I like adding cute clothes to the review. For something totally different, try Kamikaze Girls. It features this Japanese fashion, Elegant Gothic Lolita, that’s really fun. Not much eye-candy when it comes to men, just good fun and good clothes.

      • Your idea sparked me to possibly review What Women Want. I’m not a fan of Rom/Coms, or Mel Gibson, and wasn’t especially fond of this (as a movie) but I was absolutely drooling over Helen Hunt’s amazing wardrobe through the entire film. I’d have to give her costumes a 6 out of 5 possible stars.

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