Today’s Daily Prompt~
Since I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, and I love all my Word Press homies, I just can’t pick a favorite among them, so I will try flatter my first blove with imitation.
In keeping with my Love For Lileks theme I began yesterday, I will attempt to capture his style of wit. He stole my heart with his Gallery Of Regrettable Food, so I shall give you a taste (har har) of my take on his style.
Remember these?
Mom’s kitchen was full of them
Let’s start with some mouth-watering pictures of questionable foodstuffs. I dare you to put even a one of these anywhere near your mouth.
Looks pretty harmless, right?
You’ll notice that in this photo, and the ones that follow, pink is a theme. It has to be pink. I don’t think it matters what’s really in it, as long as it’s pink. Pink is a safe color that just screams “Eat Me! I promise it won’t hurt. Much.”
What a lovely multi colored buffet I created!
Here I am in my obnoxious hostess Mu-Mu, relaxing with a highball of single malt scotch before the guests arrive. Oh shit! It never dawned on me that the tablecloth is blue! It doesn’t go with my pink and orange scheme at all! Maybe they’ll be so WOWed by the food that they won’t notice. DAMN there’s the doorbell. Time to chug and turn on the happy face.
Height of culinary creativity
Take 2 cans of Pork N Beans. Put in your ugliest casserole dish. Open 1 can of SPAM. slice into 4 thick slices. Make cute slices across the SPAM chunks. Arrange in a festive pattern atop your canned beans. Your friends will be wowed at your Mad-Can-Opening-Spam-Slicing-Skills. A great dish for Halloween, as it looks like fingers crawling out of your PNB’s. How clever of you to include salad and a pie. Those both look like they took at least some effort to produce.
Asparagus. Feature dish or lampshade?
For this Amazing Asparagus Atrocity you will need 3 packages of unflavored gelatin-(a 70′s kitchen staple) 1 cup of chicken broth, 1 cup of tomato juice, 15 spears of the biggest, nastiest woodiest asparagus you can find and a jar of pimentos. Take your tallest, most ridiculous jello mold from that cabinet where you store the shit you were given for wedding gifts and never use. Grease jello mold generously with Crisco. Take pimentos and wrap them around each stalk of asparagus, making sure each one measures exactly 2 and 3/4 inches from the base of the stalk. What ever method you employ for adhering them will work just fine. No one is going to eat this shit, so it doesn’t really matter. I prefer thumbtacks. Red ones are great, as they are all but undetectable. Now spray the inside of the jello mold with a thin layer of spray adhesive. Arrange the asparagus as shown in the picture. Oh yeah, the tips go towards the bottom. Remember this is assembled upside down. Heat the chicken broth, tomato juice and 3 cups water to boiling. Add the gelatin. Stir until you get bored. Have a drink or two while it cools. Slowly pour into jello mold and carefully place in the refrigerator. Don’t be a dumbass. Start this dish the day before you want to fill your party guests with shock and awe.
Um yeah. Where can I even go with this one?
Another Tempting Temple of ….Temptation? Let’s call this the Colossal Weenie Wonder! Start with an empty coffee can. Turn it upside down. Roast ten or 12 frankenfurters on your swinging outdoor BBQ pit. Once they’ve cooled enough to touch, take a bigass needle and string them together with some yarn. Arrange around your coffee can. Top coffee can with cole slaw. Use lots of parsley for a garnish. Parsley has the power to make your victim forget what it’s garnishing.
Another Molded Thingy! Yay!
Just look at that cute little figurine! She’s enamored with this dish. She knows the secret. She wants to share it with you! Got an oval casserole dish of some type? Good. Spray it with PAM . Lots and lots of PAM. Take that last Easter egg out of the back of the fridge and peel and slice. Arrange those slices around the outside of your dish, alternating with the little cocktail pickles left over from your last Christmas party. Now take the following ingredients and toss them in the blender: 2 raw eggs, another envelope of you guessed it unflavored gelatin, 1 small can of tomato paste and 2 cans of Strongheart dog food. Blend until creamy. Gaaaaaahhh Pour into your prepared dish and chill well, as barf, just like revenge, is a dish best served cold.
CheekyDiva,
You are funny! Really! I am laugh out loud!
Cathy
Thank you! Mr. C just read on his phone, as he’s on his way home from a business trip. He’s thrilled that the Amazing Asparagus Atrocity and the Colossal Weenie Wonder are on the menu for dinner. He’s such a lucky guy!
I can hear his stomach growling from here!
Ha ha. Hope he remembered to take his Prilosec.
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The last sentence is the best thing I have ever read.
Ha ha! Thank you . Did people really put this stuff in front of people to be eaten? I just have to wonder.
I couldn’t do this one. I don’t want to pick one blogger as my favorite.
I understand. That’s why I chose an outsider. Only me and one other person have jumped on this challenge so far. And I read their post and couldn’t tell who they were linking to anyway. I don’t think anyone wants to pick a favorite.
Nope. So I’m trying to figure out something else to do today…
Like blog wise? If that’s a yes, then what about the photo challenge? “Reflections” might do something for that on my sappy blog. It fits in with an idea for a craptastic poem I’ve been tossing around in my head.
I’ve got something going on. You’ll see in a bit.
I’m rolling!!!
Yay! So glad you liked it!
Thank you.
Dogfood? Seriously?
I think they should have fried the spam and maybe served it with scrambled eggs…even though that might put an end to any gas shortage that might be going on. : )
This blog was funny but there is no way that I am eating any of that.
Thank you! I would seriously worry about anyone who would eat any of that. Thanks for reading!
That was good. And I can see why you didn’t pick me to try to copy… ha.
Thanks! I do not have a Word Press favorite. I have many, and you are on the list. No one could copy you.
I think that may well be true.
I can remember my mom preparing and serving such pink atrocities – yuk! Spam – what alien ever invented that??? Also, you’re probably not aware of this, but a nice Pepto-Bismol cocktail would have been a nice accompaniment to this Gallery of Regrettable food.
I enjoyed this.
I have trouble with the new and improved photo editor. I found a great pick of a bundt cake that was covered with what looked very much like Pepto Bismal glaze and some other very Pepto Bismol looking foods. . I uploaded pics at home, and wrote the post when I got to work. Those pics were not in my photos! Grr. I didn’t really want to go looking for them again, because I wanted to get the post published. How awesome you have fond memories of this crap! Thanks for sharing them.
LOL – I wouldn’t say they were FOND memories.
Uh, yeah. Oh how I miss the 70′s.
I can’t wait to prepare the hot dog dish. Does the recipe say if it’s OK to substitute chicken wire for the yarn? And what a novel idea to recycle the coffee can as a barf bucket.
I think you may feel free to use whatever you wish to stick the weenies on the coffee can. Re-purposing it a a barf bucket is genius!-Nice work! I think I’ll have to re-vamp this post so I can post it on Pinterest. That’s so crafty! Thanks!
I love all posts about gross food. I’ve done several myself. If only you’d included the orange Thanksgiving mush (sweet potatoes?) with the multi-colored mini marshmallows on top.
Really? EWWWW. That sounds even more awful than the one I posted recently with the burned ones. You’ve done gross food posts? I’ll have to go find them. That’s so cool! These pics are inspiring me to do another edition of Bad Poems About Food tomorrow. Haven’t done that for a couple of weeks.
I love those pictures. The hot dog one is my new favorite. Until now, my favorite was this one: http://www.plan59.com/av/av122.htm
Oh god! That’s hilarioius! Thank you. Congrats on your anniversary by the way! I read that post on my phone and it’s too hard to do comments there.
That site has some amazing pictures on it.
Thanks for the sweet words, too.
I will check it out in depth, if you promise to check out Mr. Lileks fine website, if you haven’t already. I know you’d love it.
Promise.
Word…. ha ha! A guy I work with says that all the time. Sounds funny coming from the geriatric section, doesn’t it?
I just looked at that site. There are some amazing images on there. A few disturbing ones, but mostly amazing ones.
I picture some poor newlywed bride, wearing her June Cleaver pearls and high heels, drenched in tears because her Spam Pate fell apart and Ward is chowing down happily on a PB&J.
And how about that Weenie Wonder? The only thing it’s missing is unflavored gelatin. I’m not even sure how you go about serving that sucker up.
That is pretty nasty. I would love to do some more of this. I might have to go scour the second hand stores for some of these cookbooks. Hard to find many pictures of these treasures on the internets.
Really? That’s too bad. They are classics. Remember the 70s? All the cookbooks were avocado, gold, and rust (green, yellow, and orange). And I don’t think any kitchen was complete without at least one Crock-Pot cookbook.
It makes me wonder what my grandkids will say about my cookbooks?
I can’t decide which is worse — pink food or phallic food. I guess pink, phallic food. Brilliant as usual.
Thank you so much. Just dreadful stuff isn’t it?
O! So wish I would have such inspiration when preparing spread for Canada’s Greycup Weekend. LOL Appreciate the visual/word wit.
Thanks! I love these cheesy old cookbooks.
I saw this prompt, and thought it was pretty cool. Love what you did with it. But if you don’t mind, I may refrain from eating your food. I’m not keen on thumbtacks…
But darling! There’s no thumb tacks in the dog food molded thingy. Want some?
Um…yeah…sure…
very laugh out loud funny here Cheeky — and maximus vomitus at the same time.. those hot dogs. UGH
Still chuckling.
Maximum Vomitus? Wasn’t he a gladiator? Thanks for the new catch phrase!
The Mighty Stomachus Gladiator
Ha ha! Right on. That might be my husband. Poor guy, he eats whatever I put in front of him. Even if it’s something like seen in this post.