Today’s Daily Prompt~
Since I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, and I love all my Word Press homies, I just can’t pick a favorite among them, so I will try flatter my first blove with imitation.
In keeping with my Love For Lileks theme I began yesterday, I will attempt to capture his style of wit. He stole my heart with his Gallery Of Regrettable Food, so I shall give you a taste (har har) of my take on his style.
Let’s start with some mouth-watering pictures of questionable foodstuffs. I dare you to put even a one of these anywhere near your mouth.
You’ll notice that in this photo, and the ones that follow, pink is a theme. It has to be pink. I don’t think it matters what’s really in it, as long as it’s pink. Pink is a safe color that just screams “Eat Me! I promise it won’t hurt. Much.”
Here I am in my obnoxious hostess Mu-Mu, relaxing with a highball of single malt scotch before the guests arrive. Oh shit! It never dawned on me that the tablecloth is blue! It doesn’t go with my pink and orange scheme at all! Maybe they’ll be so WOWed by the food that they won’t notice. DAMN there’s the doorbell. Time to chug and turn on the happy face.
Take 2 cans of Pork N Beans. Put in your ugliest casserole dish. Open 1 can of SPAM. slice into 4 thick slices. Make cute slices across the SPAM chunks. Arrange in a festive pattern atop your canned beans. Your friends will be wowed at your Mad-Can-Opening-Spam-Slicing-Skills. A great dish for Halloween, as it looks like fingers crawling out of your PNB’s. How clever of you to include salad and a pie. Those both look like they took at least some effort to produce.
For this Amazing Asparagus Atrocity you will need 3 packages of unflavored gelatin-(a 70′s kitchen staple) 1 cup of chicken broth, 1 cup of tomato juice, 15 spears of the biggest, nastiest woodiest asparagus you can find and a jar of pimentos. Take your tallest, most ridiculous jello mold from that cabinet where you store the shit you were given for wedding gifts and never use. Grease jello mold generously with Crisco. Take pimentos and wrap them around each stalk of asparagus, making sure each one measures exactly 2 and 3/4 inches from the base of the stalk. What ever method you employ for adhering them will work just fine. No one is going to eat this shit, so it doesn’t really matter. I prefer thumbtacks. Red ones are great, as they are all but undetectable. Now spray the inside of the jello mold with a thin layer of spray adhesive. Arrange the asparagus as shown in the picture. Oh yeah, the tips go towards the bottom. Remember this is assembled upside down. Heat the chicken broth, tomato juice and 3 cups water to boiling. Add the gelatin. Stir until you get bored. Have a drink or two while it cools. Slowly pour into jello mold and carefully place in the refrigerator. Don’t be a dumbass. Start this dish the day before you want to fill your party guests with shock and awe.
Another Tempting Temple of ….Temptation? Let’s call this the Colossal Weenie Wonder! Start with an empty coffee can. Turn it upside down. Roast ten or 12 frankenfurters on your swinging outdoor BBQ pit. Once they’ve cooled enough to touch, take a bigass needle and string them together with some yarn. Arrange around your coffee can. Top coffee can with cole slaw. Use lots of parsley for a garnish. Parsley has the power to make your victim forget what it’s garnishing.
Just look at that cute little figurine! She’s enamored with this dish. She knows the secret. She wants to share it with you! Got an oval casserole dish of some type? Good. Spray it with PAM . Lots and lots of PAM. Take that last Easter egg out of the back of the fridge and peel and slice. Arrange those slices around the outside of your dish, alternating with the little cocktail pickles left over from your last Christmas party. Now take the following ingredients and toss them in the blender: 2 raw eggs, another envelope of you guessed it unflavored gelatin, 1 small can of tomato paste and 2 cans of Strongheart dog food. Blend until creamy. Gaaaaaahhh Pour into your prepared dish and chill well, as barf, just like revenge, is a dish best served cold.