photo credit Etsy
After a long day in the sun beating rugs, hanging laundry and churning butter, Catherine was pretty tired and in no mood to be toyed with. She didn’t hear her husband return from town on his horse, probably due to the deafening BOREDOM this new married life had filled her with.
She was surprised when she went back into the cabin to see him standing there in the spacious living – dining room slash kitchen or whatever you want to call it, as it was all one room anyway.
Home, home on the range.
“Hi Honey cakes!” she said. ”How nice to see you. I didn’t expect you back so soon.” She dropped her basket of laundry and went over to hug him. ”You smell funny.”
“I just took a bath with that new soap you made me. Are you sure you did it right?” Johnny answered.
“I used plenty of lard and beef tallow, just like your Ma told me to. You took a bath? Did you save that water? The ox died today, and I was gonna boil it and make us a fine stew as soon as I git it skinned. No time to go to the well and fetch more water now.”
“I saved it, Puddin, that sounds lovely! I love a fine dead oxen stew. You were still sleeping when I left this morning, you look right purty in the same dress I’ve seen you wear every day for the last week.”
“Why land sakes, Johnny. You do flatter me, don’t you?” Catherine said, blushing.
“Where is everyone?” Johnny said, looking around.
“Your Ma and Pa are in the field, Grammy has been in the garden all afternoon looking for her teeth, and your Grandpa has decided to chop down that old oak tree and whittle it into toothpicks. I think all of your brothers and sisters are at the river, trying to catch trout with their bare hands or some such nonsense.”
“Good! I have a couple of surprises, first, look in that there box.” Johnny pointed to a box on the big table.
“Oh my! It’s a chocolate cake! How wonderful.” Catherine said, reaching out to sneak a little frosting with her finger.
“No, no no no NO!” Johnny said, grabbing her hand.
“Why Johnny! What’s the matter with you?”
“Don’t eat that! Any of it! You hear me?” He had a devilish look in his eye.
“What on Earth are you talking about? Why not?”
“It’s got sleeping powder in it. If’n everyone but you and I eat it, they’ll be dead as a doornail until sun up tomorrow, so you and I won’t have to sneak out to the barn to make whoopee.” He said, winking.
“How thoughtful and romantic of you, Darling.” She had to give him points for that, but making whoopee in the loft where all nine of them slept together on mattresses filled with straw didn’t sound much better even though the family would be comatose. She hoped her wan smile wouldn’t give away her feelings that just a sliver of that chocolate cake would have been infinitely more tempting.
“So, you said there was another surprise, what is it?” Catherine said, shifting focus from their upcoming amorous adventure.
“Looky here, my little cornhusk doll.” Johnny proudly held up a piece of paper marked LAND DEED. “I done got us a homestead. We now have 160 acres all to ourselves. As soon the crops are in the ground, Pa, Grampa, and my brothers and I are gwina build us a fine home out of them mud bricks we’ve been curing all spring in the smoke house. “
Catherine’s crest fell with such a loud thud she was sure Johnny must have heard it. 160 acres? 160 acres of absolutely nothing to look at, no one to talk to. 160 acres of land to “farm” perish the thought, with no one but Johnny. She could see in her mind’s eye Johnny behind a plow, cracking a whip as she pulled it , bit in her teeth, blinders on.
But she loved him dearly, this idiot frontier man. She wanted to please him. So, she reminded herself that once the fine sod house was built with those smelly bricks, they would have their peace and finally some privacy. Until they filled up their little house on the prairie with a herd of idiot children of their own, they would never have to sneak off to the barn or drug someone to make whoopee.
FIN
Now don’t go ruining this story for yourself by worrying about it’s historical accuracy. That will just suck all the fun right out of it, and nobody likes a fun-sucker.
More of today’s Romantic Monday Posts:
Is this how Little House on the Prairie started??? Now I just want chocolate cake and to sleep the rest of the day! Loved this!!!
Thanks! Mr Cheeky said “It’s very you. Silly and funny.” I love that guy!
Well written. Great job!
Thanks! Things in Nebraska are pretty much the same, except now we have lots of buildings made out of concrete and shit. Congrats on being old! 13 year old twins. Wow! Can’t imagine.
Yeah. I can’t wait until they both want cars at the same time…
Oh boy……………:-0
Yeah…
Hey, I found a post that has a couple of pictures of me in it, if you still care to shatter your image of me, because after all, I am a real person.
http://wp.me/p2BTAP-L7
Awesome. Nice pig tails.
Thank you. Proud Army mom, can’t ya tell. And that picture of me in my new car? That was a good one. I did actually buy a new car that day, and when we took it for a spin, we stopped at a park for a walk as it was so nice outside. My husband just had to snap that pic of me. He loves that one. He’s really good at getting me in my less than grown up moments.
Those are the best kind of moments.
That’s one nice thing about getting old–which you just did today, right? No kids, so we can just be dorks and have fun. Can’t believe I learned how to use an Xbox this weekend. Wow, you ever see an old lady try to kill zombies? It’s not pretty. Especially if you get in their way while they’re having their first controller operation lesson. Poor Cheeky husband.
Haha. Awesome! Which game? Left 4 Dead? I love that game.
Yes Left4Dead. The xbox was our Christmas gift to each other. Oh boy, I dunno about this. Haven’t played video games since the days when I could whip my kids butts at Tetris on N64. The only console I ever even got close to. It’s Mr Cheeky’s favorite game. He’s thrilled to have it. SQUEE????
I haven’t played in a while, but I loved that game. 1 and 2. They are fun.
I want to smell like lard and beef tallow…
It is funny how we romanticize the past. We think of knights in white castles… but they were cold, dirty and smelly places to live.
But you managed to show roamance blosoming between people even while you sucked the romance out of an era…
So glad you liked it! My husband read it and asked where the inspiration came from. I was just thinking last night about whether or not he’d still find me attractive if we lived in a world where we wore the same clothes day after day and only bathed once a week. One random silly thought led to another, and the story of Catherine and Idiot Johnny was born. Maybe it’s time to adjust my medication.
They did a show on PBS called Pioneer House and one called 1800′s House… you should check it out. Most city people would die if they were in that position. A lot of pioneers did die.
I have seen both of those. I would certainly be one of the dead ones. Are they still showing those on PBS? Do you know where I might be able to see them? PBS is pretty stingy with videos of their old stuff on their website. But I know that all of the episodes of The French Chef are available on Amazon. Really nice to have those available. A great part of 20th century history. What Julia Child did for the American housewife and cooking in general. Bet she could have made a fine stew out of ox herself. Maybe she even had a recipe or two for something with lard and beef tallow.
She would have killed the ox with her bare hands.
Hell yeah she would have! She was a badass!
I like the Saturday Night Live skit where Dan Akroid played her and bled all over.
That’s pretty awesome too. Wonder what she thought about that.
That is a good question.
Even before Brazilians or any ‘scaping? OK he must really love you. I need more deets tho, was he circumcised? that would be…interesting. Flesh out the story for me please, I need visuals.
You are so craaaazyyy! What is in the water out there? Sorry, you’ll just have to fill in the details my friend. I never gave “Brazilians” or circumcision a thought when I was writing this. Jeez-you crack me up.
I probably would have eaten the cake and had a good nap. Seriously, chocolate cake, and the woman is supposed to resist? What was Johnny thinking?
Love trumps food I guess. How are you? Haven’t seen you around for a while.
Busy! I put together a little anthology, and I’m gearing up to publish some more stories. Plus I’ve been taking a smut writing class.
You have been busy! Sounds like fun. Good for you!
This would make a fun coloring book!
It sure would! but all I can draw is stick figures. Maybe I know an artist who could help me with that. Thanks for the idea.
I like this story! Imagine having to drug your family to have boom-boom! It’s a wonder they had any children at all. I like how it starts out on a depressing note but finishes with love conquers all. I would NOT have wanted to live during that time. Backpacking for a week and a half is as far as I would take hardships like that…and I’m not even sure about that!
Very modern day Willa Cather-esque! I love it!
Thank you!