The Cheeky Diva

 Dear Cheekydiva.
I hope you can help me solve my holiday problem. I recently became aware that i have this urge to sit on a fat mans knee and confess all my quirky and worldly wants. He is oh so sexy in a bright red suit and i want to have his white whiskers tickle my neck as he whispers his reply in my ear. Unfortunately i only run into him in crowded places like shopping malls so my fantasy has yet to come true. Also i should mention i have a teenager who would be mortified if i were to indulge my fantasy. However i find myself dwelling more and more on this jolly guy and i am not sure how much longer i can restrain myself. My question for you is this: if i were to indulge this fantasy would that make me a ho? ho ho?
Sincerely.
Kris Crazy S

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Well, Kris, I have to agree that you are crazy, but who am I to judge.  Here’s my advice to you.  Assemble a disguise.  A wig, trenchoat and some big ass Jackie-O sunglasses.  Pack a bag and head to the big city for some girl time and Christmas shopping.  I’m sure your family will understand, as long as they think there is something in it for them.  They can live without you for a couple of days.  Try to go during the week, instead of on a weekend if at all possible.  Since you love to sit on the laps of jolly fat men in malls, Wednesday and Thursday during the work day will be a great time for you to live out your twisted fantasy away from a gazillion prying eyes.  You can flit all over the city and sit on the laps of fat men in every shopping mall until your butt is sore from sitting.  Not only will this get your fantasy out of your system, but you will be away from your teenager, who will never even know it happened.  As far as whether or not this makes you a ho?  That depends on what arrangements you and the fat man of your choice make in those whispered conversations.  Follow your conscience, if you still have one.  But, hey, I’m still not judging.

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Dear CheekyDiva,
My family exchanges gifts in the Chineese Christmas style. This year we are bound by guidelines that state we are to bring an “as seen on TV” gift. I do not watch TV often. What do you suggest.
Oh it must be under $20 US

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Hi there Cookie!  So glad you dropped by with your question.  This will be no sweat. For those who are unaware of how this works, everyone brings 1 gift to the party.  Some mechanism is put in place for choosing a gift.  Participants may keep or swap the gift they end up with, and it keeps going until everyone is happy, everyone passes out from too much eggnog, or Grandpa gets crazy and decides to chop down the Christmas tree with his chain saw.  Under $20?  No problem ! Here’s a great idea for everyone on your list, regardless of age, race, orientation or home planet.  Because who doesn’t want these?

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Dear Cheeky Diva,
Am I being a Scrooge by refusing to dig out the decorations or participate in any holiday shopping or activities until after final exams are over ? (My last one is the 18th.) Keep in mind that I am in law school, my children are 9 and 1, and my partners are not big fans of holiday cheer because of bitter childhood memories of broken homes and hypocritic family get togethers.

Also, am I sending the wrong message when the toddler brings me fried balls he prepared in his toy kitchen, and I pretend to gobble them all up and not share when my 9 year old daughter pleads, “Can’t I have some fried balls?” And the toddler tells her, “no?”

Sincerely,

Scrooge parent,
Future attorney

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Well Future Attorney and Scrooge Parent, that’s a lot of stuff to have on your plate for the Holidays.  Here’s my advice.  You be a scrooge if you want.  Your exams are pretty important.  If you are worried about your partners, and your children, and making sure that all of you get through this tough time with a little less stress, then why not just get your kids a tiny tree that they can enjoy decorating.  They will be so proud, they will love it more than any other hall-decking you just don’t have time for this year.  And those partners with less than happy holiday memories?  Your kids and their pint sized decorating mad skillz are going to plant some pretty warm fuzzy memories for them to treasure in the future.  The fried balls your toddler makes in the kitchen?  This is a great time to teach him about giving and sharing, and tell him that you don’t want any unless he can be a big boy and share with his sister.  They sound pretty yummy! I hope this helps!

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 Dear Cheeky Diva,
I will be shopping in my home this year for Christmas gifts for my mother, sister, and three brothers. What are the best items to give when looking through closets, cupboards, and drawers?
Signed,
Desperate in Ohio

 

Fear not, Desparate!  This isn’t as hard to solve as you think.  Let’s just tackle the men on your list today, because that will be easy.  My number one rule is: Boys are dumb.  If all else fails, refer to rule number one.  When doing “interior shopping” for the men on your list, stealing from the men in your house is like taking candy from a baby!  Not only are the drawers, closets and hidey-holes of men great places to find gifts for others, but you can re-gift an item to the same man with almost 100%  safety that he will have no idea that you are giving him something he already owns.  Here’s my theory~ Men have a treasure trove of wallets, handkerchiefs, keychains, ties and belts they collect over the years from various loved ones.  More than they could possibly use. And you can bet that a lot of them are forgotten once they are put away. Shop away!  And don’t be afraid to give your darling husband that tie that Aunt Edna already gave him for his birthday 5 years ago.  Do you think he’s even going to recognize it?  Not likely.  It may strike a faint “hey, that looks familiar” but if he says something, all you need to do is say something clever like “Oh, baby, you admired it on a mannequin at the mall a while back, so I got it for you.”  He’ll nod a quick “Oh yeah!” of agreement, and give you a peck on the cheek for your thoughtfulness.  You’re so sly.  Tune in next week, and I will help you do your in-home shopping for the gals on your list, as that deserves more attention to detail and will require great finesse on your part to pull it off.

Alright readers!  There you go.  I hope this has helped my sad and sappy pals, please add your own, as you know I am always willing to lend a hand.  The one that isn’t holding a highball, that is……………………………………………………..