What is your worst quality?
How appropriate for today, as I am already wallowing deep in the quicksand of self-doubt and loathing. I guess without a doubt, my worst quality is how I see myself.
I feel like no matter how hard I try, I will never measure up to standards I compare myself to. I have a very strong sense of “you’ve been weighed, you’ve been measured, and you’ve been found wanting” built into me.
While this does push me to try harder, it also sets me up for failure after failure. I am a ridiculous self-fulfilling prophecy. I want so much to do more, be more, be better. I lack focus and spend a lot of time spinning my wheels and worrying about things that are out of my control. That’s a noxious cocktail that leads to many marathon sessions of beating myself up.
The rational side of my brain knows that I’m a pretty decent person. I’m a good mom and my kids love me. I’m a good wife and my husband loves me. I’m a good friend,…etc. So why does that icky part of my brain still scream that I’m a worthless, good for nothing failure?
I know I’ll fight this until the day I die, and right now, the Beast Of Self Loathing seems to be winning this round. I’m hoping that even though it wins a lot of the battles, that it won’t win the war.
Yay! This is just so freaking depressing! Better get my haiku on and see if I can rescue this day from the deep well of desolation.