What is your worst quality?
How appropriate for today, as I am already wallowing deep in the quicksand of self-doubt and loathing. I guess without a doubt, my worst quality is how I see myself.
I feel like no matter how hard I try, I will never measure up to standards I compare myself to. I have a very strong sense of “you’ve been weighed, you’ve been measured, and you’ve been found wanting” built into me.
While this does push me to try harder, it also sets me up for failure after failure. I am a ridiculous self-fulfilling prophecy. I want so much to do more, be more, be better. I lack focus and spend a lot of time spinning my wheels and worrying about things that are out of my control. That’s a noxious cocktail that leads to many marathon sessions of beating myself up.
The rational side of my brain knows that I’m a pretty decent person. I’m a good mom and my kids love me. I’m a good wife and my husband loves me. I’m a good friend,…etc. So why does that icky part of my brain still scream that I’m a worthless, good for nothing failure?
I know I’ll fight this until the day I die, and right now, the Beast Of Self Loathing seems to be winning this round. I’m hoping that even though it wins a lot of the battles, that it won’t win the war.
Yay! This is just so freaking depressing! Better get my haiku on and see if I can rescue this day from the deep well of desolation.
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This question might be completely out of order, but could it be that your parents or someone else close to you has something to do with this?
I’m just asking, because I used to have this voice inside my head, and after a few years of therapy I figured out that it were actually echoes of my father talking down to me.
Once I confronted him with the whole thing, the voice went away. Perhaps it’s something to think about…
Your question isn’t out of order at all. I put it up there, I asked for it.
My upbringing is probably 75% responsible for this.
My favorite bumper sticker is: “Don’t believe everything you think.” So give that brain of yours a good talking-to and take back your esteem!
Oh, my brain needs more than a talking to, it needs an ass whooping. I better get my ass in gear on those haikus. Haven’t even given it much of a thought yet.
What is it you want to do that you haven’t accomplished yet? To me, the fact that you’re a good mom, a good wife, and a good friend are great accomplishments worthy of praise. There’s nothing wrong with wanting more, but just because you haven’t reached a goal doesn’t mean that you’re unworthy.
Thank you so much. That’s very kind of you to say. I don’t know what I want to accomplish. But much of the time I feel like I’m accomplishing nothing. I guess I spent too many years being told I wouldn’t amount to much and it’s hard not to believe it.
Well, if you’re happy with who you are and what you’ve achieved then it shouldn’t matter what anyone else thinks.
“When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy.’ They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.”
- John Lennon
As long as you’re happy, that’s all that matters.
Wish I would have had John Lennon’s mom. My mom called me her little absent minded professor. When she wasn’t calling me a pimple on the ass of progress. Whatever the hell that means.
Uh, wow. That’s pretty shitty. No offense to your mom…
Oh, offend her all you want. She’s very dead.
Well, that makes it even worse…
Reblogged this on Natalie Elizabeth Beech and commented:
Because the wordpress folks aren’t linking I thought I would!
Beautiful heartfelt writing. If only you didn’t feel the way you do though. Hope it made your day a little better after you published the post. I think if anyone can say they are a good mom they have accomplished a lot.
I have to agree there. Fighting the urge to throttle them until their eyeballs squirt out of their head is harder than it looks sometimes. Tee hee.
Thanks, Lynn
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Dear Self-Loathing,
Get out of Cheeky Diva’s head, once and for all. If I find that you have not vacated the Diva mind by this time next week, I will have both of your kneecaps busted.
Sincerely,
Mike
Ha ha! I love how you threaten my psyche! It’s shaking in it’s UGGS. It’s a disconcerting feeling by the way.
I can imagine. No one’s psyche should wear UGGS. Ugh.
See? She’s such a skanky bitch! That psyche of mine.
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Ummmmmm… that started out depressing. I am going to name my next male child Flawed. Not that we are planning any… but we didn’t really ‘plan’ the first two, so…
STOP IT! Stop being down on yourself. You are awesome and I know that ‘cos I’m awesome too. Now, cut that crap out and have a glass of wine.
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I can totally relate to this because there is no one harder on me than myself. I beat myself up a lot for things that really are out of my control. Every day is a new day girl….keep your head up!
I completely get this post.. it is as if you read my own thoughts and looked in my mirror. I get it…
You are a great person, for being a good mother and wife whom your husband loves very much, to me is a great accomplishment. I know a lot of people who will give their eyeballs to have their husband’s love. This blog is a big achievement. I know how you feel though, because I have been there.
Believe in yourself and don’t be too hard on yourself. Thanks for the link.