Retro Holiday Fun!!!

This place hasn’t been much fun lately, and I apologize for that.  I’ve been so self-absorbed in all my doom and gloom and midlife aches and pains and shrieking cries for more medication, whine and complain…blah blah blah……  Thanks so much for bearing with me, and for the valiant effort it takes for you to return here each day, here’s some payback for you.

I’ve been baking up a storm in my ultra modern kitchen for the X-mas hollyday that is fast approaching, and I’ve gotten a heaping handful of recipes from this little gem.

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I can’t believe I actually found a picture of this ancient book on the interweb, but I did.  Whew!  I failed to take a picture of the cover.  I don’t know it’s age, source or origin.  All I know for sure is that it’s been in my stash of cookbooks as long as I can remember, it has 1st Lady recipes-the most recent being Lady Bird Johnson, and that you could buy additional copies for the low, low price of 40 cents.

You know this isn’t a food blog.  I’ve planned to post recipes here, but have only managed to scrape together one.  So, no- sorry you don’t get any recipes here today. DRAT!    Oh grow up, if you people came here for recipes, this blog would be long dead by now, so shush and gape in awe at the wonderful photos and drawings contained in this vintage culinary treasure, and be thankful you have me to point them out to you, as they are much more forgettable than the recipes themselves.

Our first category is CREEPY COOKBOOK KIDS.

No kid in real life ever did, or ever should get this excited about something going on in the kitchen.  Unless mom somehow pulled a Big Wheel out of the dishwasher:

Mommy!!! I love pineapple so very very muchly!  Yay and all that other cute kid shit you'd expect me to say.

Mommy!!! I love pineapple so very very muchly! Yay and all that other cute kid shit you’d expect me to say.

Here’s another adorable little moppet, also enamored with pineapple.  They look like they could be children of the corn, don’t they?

Does this recipe also contain BRAAAIINNSSS, Mommy?

Does this recipe also contain BRAAAIINNSSS, Mommy?

Here we have a cute ( scary) little baker, all decked out in her little chef’s hat , making her own  late 60′s version of Witches Brew.  Isn’t she frightening  adorable?

Eye of gnewt......tongue of toad....sounds easy enough

Eye of newt……tongue of toad…little brother’s pinky….sounds easy enough

Gaaaaah!  Look at the freckles, the eyeballs, and just the lack of “art” in this next drawing.  And that’s not exactly a cookie jar, it’s more like a cookie barrel. Are they at the general store or something?  It hurts me to look at this picture, so I was hoping sharing it with you might ease the pain…..no it doesn’t.  But look at it anyway.

LOOOOOKKKKKAAAAATTTTIIIITTT!!!

Here, Skippy, you wanna cookie?  Tough! Puppies who crap on the floor don't get a cookie.

Here, Skippy, you wanna cookie? Tough! Puppies who crap on the floor don’t get a cookie.

Up next, the lifelike and mouthwatering FOOD PHOTOS:

gingerbread man

Am I really this crooked? Or is it the “spices” she put in the dough? I feel funny.

These have got to be the lamest, saddest, wooziest gingerbread men I have ever seen.  The one under the fan looks like he’s trapped under a car.  Even my gingerbread man, with his broken arm, didn’t look this sad.

I'm not lame, I'm groovy!

I’m not lame, I’m groovy!

Take a look at this festive little Christmas tree!  I just love to spend good money on expensive ingredients, waste hours preparing the dough and making it into cute little shapes, baking it, and decorating it!  All so I can hang my hard work  on this stupid ass little tree to dry out and get covered with sap.  Mmmmm mmmmm good!  What a smashing idea!

2012-12-08_11-28-58_834

Don’t these cookies look appetizing? Oh the glory of yellowed black and white. I could almost eat the page right out of the book.

Here’s another stellar idea from the party planning braintrust responsible for this timeless little cookbook. Can’t think of one holiday party I have attended where the Tom & Jerry bowl was adorned with cookie animals.  Come to think of it, can’t say I’ve attended a holiday party with a Tom & Jerry bowl at all.  Or where there was a nasty oil lamp on the table with all the food.

2012-12-08_11-29-15_847

Whoa, look at Dave, he’s about to fall over. Shoulda hung him on the punchbowl.

Of course, no ancient cookbook would be complete without charming pictures of happy housewives, all dolled up in their finest fashions, shown doing what they do best-slaving over these recipes, because nothing else in their lives gives them any meaning.  On to the HAPPY HOUSEWIVES~

It's a medical mystery that I retain this impossibly small waist with all these cookies I'm baking and cramming into my cute little face.  3 words-Binge and Purge, people! Binge and Purge!

It’s a medical mystery that I retain this impossibly small waist with all these cookies I’m baking and cramming into my cute little face. 3 words-Binge and Purge, people! Binge and Purge!

Here we have Betty and her daughter Betty.  Was everyone named Betty in the 1960′s?  I know I was.  I changed my name to Gloria  in the 1980′s and then to  La Fonda after I saw Napoleon Dynamite….sorry.  Anyway, we see Betty showing Betty how to catch a man…

Honey, this is going to be dreadful, so make sure you have a fashionable hairstyle and a blouse that shows off your enormous boobs.

Honey, this is going to be dreadful, so make sure you have a fashionable hairstyle and a blouse that shows off your enormous boobs.

Last but not least, here’s the happiest housewife of them all, Mary Ann.  You know why she’s so happy don’t you?  Because that little percolator is full of martinis and tucked inside that cookbook is that latest issue of Playgirl.

Humanahumnahumina.  He's sooooo hot....Crap! Kids are home.

Humanahumnahumina. He’s sooooo hot….Crap! Kids are home.

 

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21 thoughts on “Retro Holiday Fun!!!

  1. ok, firstly, why do some have pointy ears??? and secondly, you sure that kid is eating out of HIS cookie jar and not the dogs??? Did women really wear dresses and makeup and heels and everything when they cooked? Hmmm I don’t remember mom doing that.

  2. Pineapple thumbprints – yuck. The little girl (head only – looking for brains) has a chin that would make a good weapon. She could stab you do death with that thing. Are your cookbooks clean? I have my mother’s old Betty Crocker cookbook, and there is so much cookie batter in the cookie section, a few of the recipes are hard to read. I think my sister and I weren’t very careful when we baked as kids. ;-)

    • Really? Do you have pointed ears? Would you like me to email you those recipes? I’m afraid that even if I sent 40 cents in an envelope to the address provided, there probably aren’t any more of these old cookbooks available.

  3. hahaha nice captions!
    I read once that housewives of those days burned twice as many calories per day than us modern day ladies. All that cooking and cleaning was good for something!
    So that’s how that cartoon lady has such a fiiiine waistline.
    I think I need to get a short bread recipe for Christmas.

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