I don’t know if you have SONIC Drive In’s where you live, readers, but I”m sure you are familiar with the SONIC Drive In Guys in their commercials. They’ve been invading your living room with their weird yet endearing banter for the last few years. It seems pretty harmless on the surface, but if you watch these commercials over time, you start to realize that there is something unseemly going on here. I’m going to expose the seedy underbelly of too much “guy time” in the car at a fast food place today, so steel your nerves.
Let’s call these two Larry and You-Gene. I’ve spelled it that way, because that’s the way I want you to pronounce it. With em-PHAS-is on the YOU instead of the GENE….whatever, where was I?
Oh, yeah, anyway, Larry and You-Gene go to SONIC more than any human being should even drive by a fast food restaurant, let alone eat there. We see them sharing breakfast, lunch, dinner, frosty drinks, decadent desserts, and even midnight snacks. Don’t you think there’s something a little weird about that? I sure do.
We get to see so much that goes on in the lives of The SONIC guys, except what happens away from their beloved meeting place, the SONIC Drive In. What makes them come here at all hours, always together, always searching for yet another yummy thing to satisfy some unknown need. Come on, do you really think it’s food these guys are looking for?
Something in them both is broken, and they’ve bonded because of it. The can’t go home without some sort of shame or pain. All they have is each other,…and SONIC.
So, what happens in the rest of the lives of Larry and You-Gene? Are they married? Do they have families? They must at least have jobs, since they are in a nice car and have disposable income to spend on fast food.
I think they do have wives and families. Either those wives and kids are so horrible that Larry and You-Gene can’t stand to be around them, or that Larry and You-Gene are such incredible losers that it’s the other way around.
Perhaps, Larry’s wife is an impossible nag, a compulsive shopper, or worse yet, a kleptomaniac? Maybe You-Gene has a house full of snot nosed half-wit children that he can’t bear to look at.
Maybe they have wonderful, loving wives and adorable, perfect children who suffer at the hands of Larry and You-Gene’s SONIC addiction. Maybe Hortence can’t buy groceries for the kiddies because You-Gene spends all of his money you know where. And what about little Johnny? Left alone at the soccer field until all hours, because dad (Larry) is having yet another heart-to-heart with You-Gene in the SONIC parking lot in the only car the family owns. ASSHOLE!
Does any of this sound familiar to you, ladies? Are you re-thinking a few odd goings-on in your home after reading this?
Do you wake up and find Ward’s twin bed empty?
Does Derwood’s car smell like stale french fries?
Typical. You know they are going to deny it if you approach them with your suspicions. Before you start thinking maybe there’s a mistress involved, borrow your neighbor’s car and follow your man. If he leads you to the nearest SONIC Drive In, you are in trouble. Big trouble.
Let’s check in on Mildred and Hortence, Larry and You-Gene’s wives, to see if the situation is improving.
For those of you who aren’t familiar with the SONIC guys, here’s a few examples of their creepy bromance:
And the latest installment: