Who Wouldn’t Want To Be Me For A Day?

Darling, you would love to be me for a day, wouldn't you?

Darling, you would love to be me for a day, wouldn’t you?

Today’s Prompt:If you could be someone else for a day, who would you be, and why? If that seems too easy, try this one: who would you like to have spend a day as you and what do you hope they’d learn from the experience?

Come on, everybody wants to be me, right?  I’m smart, adorable, I’m charming and people love me.  I got mad kitchen skillz and have throngs of adoring fans and stalkers.

If I had to pick who got to be me for a day, it would have to be my blog minions.  My alter egos that  I mentioned earlier this morning in my comeback post.  These people help me convey different emotions and elements of my personality.

To refresh your memory, here they are, in no particular order:

HORTENCE

HORTENCE

I’m not even sure which one of these women is Hortence.  Doesn’t really matter. Hortence is my” go- to” gal when I really want to poke fun at something.  Usually myself.  She brings out the worst in me.  Through her, I’m able to say very unkind things about people (again, usually myself) in a funny way.  She brings an air of nostalgia to this blog that people my age find comforting and familiar.  If Hortence walked a mile in my wingtips, she would see that I have feelings too, and my life isn’t as rosy as she thinks it is.  We all know she says nasty things about me because she’s jealous, and she can’t be happy unless she’s putting someone down……..  Bitch.

DRUNK MOM

DRUNK MOM

When you see Drunk Mom in your reader  or as the featured image, you know you’re in for some really bad advice.  Drunk Mom is the keeper of my most ridiculous and ill conceived thoughts. She is also responsible for my terrible recipes. Drunk Mom usually has her snoot in the booze before she even hauls her ass out of bed.  If Drunk Mom were me for a day, she would learn that I get myself through my days without the aid of “mood enhancing beverages”.  She would see that there are other ways to handle life’s problems.  She would also see why I hide behind her so much.  Because she’s damn funny, and that blaming what comes out of her mouth on the booze is my way of saying some of the things I’m just too afraid to say myself.  She’s my shield.  Harbinger of half baked notions, Drunk Mom allows me to really let myself run wild.

ANGRY GARY

ANGRY GARY

I know how much all of you LOVE this one.  He’s actually my personal favorite.  Angry Gary gets away with more than most people could possibly be allowed to do in real life.  He screams, he swears, he rants and raves.  He’s that uncontrollable part of me that I try to squish down really deep so people don’t think I belong in a hospital for the criminally insane.  If Gary were me for a day, he would see how deep my anger goes, how I have fought hard to control it, how humor is my valve for releasing it.  He would also get a very private look at my 48 years of memories, and the first thing he’d do after getting that information would probably be to punch Drunk Mom square in the jaw.

CRYING KIM

CRYING KIM

Crying Kim is the friend who helps relate my feelings to the world when I have….feelings…for lack of a better word.  I’m sad, I’m angry, I’m whiny, I’m pregnant, I’ve gained 200 pounds and the whole world is making fun of me….oh wait, that’s the real Kim.  Where was I?  Oh yeah,  I would love it if I could make Crying Kim have to be stuck in my life for a day.  Then she’d have something to cry about.  I’ve been enormous, I’ve had people make fun of me, MY sex tape was all over the internet, and I’ve had a bad marriage.  But, I didn’t have the benefit of shit tons of money to drown my sorrows with.  If I had her money, I’d weigh 400 pounds.  I’d have an endless supply of pizzas and chocolate chip cookies at my disposal when I’m feeling sorry for myself.  If Kim were me for a day, she would see how real people deal with a crisis and carry on their day-to-day lives.  People who have to get up and go to work every day, take care of their families and have to pay the bills~sometimes when there isn’t enough money to do it.  Yeah, our favorite reality star could most definitely benefit from a dose of real reality.

Okay friends, I’m almost done, I promise. I have a bonus round, this one goes to our friend Screaming Janet. We’ll let her close this post with her thoughts:

No Effing WAY I'm going to be her for a day! Just kill me now, Norman, do it!!!!!!

No Effing WAY I’m going to be her for a day! Just kill me now, Norman, do it!!!!!!

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16 thoughts on “Who Wouldn’t Want To Be Me For A Day?

  1. Pingback: Who Wants To Be Me? | The Jittery Goat

  2. Hortence is most definitely the one on the right. Just look at her eyes as she laughs, it speaks volumes. Ha. Least favorite: what’s her name again? Dim? Would much prefer the bizarreness/honest dishonesty of Liu Jun-Lin, a famous Taiwanese mourner. As far as your Sybils go, can’t wait to see more. I always felt there should be more than 16. Good stuffs here, I really enjoyed it. M.

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