How fat is she?
I’m sure those of you who are still hanging onto the hope that I’ll come back have wondered what the hell I’ve been doing for all these months instead of writing.
Well, to be honest, it’s none of your goddam business is it? Just kidding! I love you guys!!!!! Don’t run off, I was just teasing.
Most of you know the following things if you are a regular reader and/or a Twitter pal:
1. Mr. The Cheeky and I are trying to sell our house and move on to greener pastures
(SINCE I’M SUCH A FAT COW)
2. I’ve also been actively pursuing and researching a career change- to be specific, freelance writing. You guys like what I have to say, so I’m sure there’s at least one or two misguided individuals out there who would pay to spew my words to the world. I just have to find them.
3. I had been mysteriously under the weather for many, MANY months.
All of the above has led to a mental, physical and emotional drain that certainly does not facilitate many bursts of jocular creativity. Hence, my blog has suffered.
But…after months of barking up the wrong tree and feeling like I’d been run over by a car, I’ve found out for sure what my problem is. Not to worry, it’s just menopause-NO, I’m not going to blog about it for the moment.
I’m working on pitching the story for a magazine article, because it’s quite funny, actually. I did NOT have any of the typical symptoms, so the diagnosis took me completely by surprise. How many other women have suffered my symptoms, and not the ones generally associated with menopause? Maybe I can actually help someone else.
(Yes, that would be a first.)
So, here I am, doing two things that I probably shouldn’t.
1. Blogging about why I’m not blogging anymore…
2. Blogging about what I’m not going to blog about.
Why am I doing that?
How about for the rest of this gripping post, I’ll ….blog about what I’m blogging about! Makes total sense to me, what about you?
What a novel idea! We can do this the way we used to in the olden days.
1. I’ll tell you about something real
2. I’ll make it funny
3. Add some killer pics/captions
4. We spend the rest of the day trading witty comments.
That’s the best way I know how to win your undying love and adoration…again.
My attempts to garner a following for the CheekyDiva Cult were largely unsuccessful. I only got a few members. Like this guy. Ewww.
So, I guess to keep my loyal readers, who I adore and appreciate so very much, I must do what they’ve come to expect. To talk to them already!
Look at me go! 500 words in and I still haven’t gotten to the point. Feeling almost like my old self again! Back to the topic at hand~my girth
Due to many circumstances beyond my control, compounded by others well within my control, I have slowly but surely gained a few pounds over the last couple of years. My formerly svelte and toned self was turning to goo.
Feeling like garbage made working every day almost impossible. Exercising was completely out of the question. Then I found a miracle worker!
(A doctor, silly!) And he prescribed some amazingly fast hormone replacement therapy. I kid you not, I felt almost a hundred percent better within just three days. All for the low, low price of $4 a month.
“Don’t bullshit us cheeky.” You say.
“Too good to be true!” You scoff.
HOW RIGHT YOU ARE!!!!!
This wonderful, miracle drug made out of horse urine, or whatever, I don’t really want to know, while making me feel much, MUCH better has caused me to gain weight faster than Kim Kardashian.
I mean that! I am gaining weight so fast I don’t know what to do. An average of one pound a week to be exact. That’s horrific! You know what that means?? Well, do ya? It means that by this time next year I’ll be at…hold on, let me do the math here….
Yeeee Gawds! Something has to give, and I’m hoping it’s not the front porch while I’m sitting on it, although it seems to be groaning and creaking a lot lately…..
Feeling better makes it easier to do stuff, and I’m trying very hard to watch what I eat. I’m considering going back to Weight Watchers meetings, because, yes, it actually does work.
I’ll have to keep you posted on my progress, but you can all rest assured that my darling husband, Mr. The Cheeky is doing all he can to motivate and support me.
Has a medication ever made you pack on the pounds so fast you couldn’t keep up? What did you do? Inquiring minds want to know!