CHEEKY IS SOOOO FAT…….

How fat is she?

Will you just look at that ass I've grown??? Good lord!

Will you just look at that ass I’ve grown??? Good lord!

I’m sure those of you who are still hanging onto the hope that I’ll come back have wondered what the hell I’ve been doing for all these months instead of writing.

Well, to be honest, it’s none of your goddam business is it?  Just kidding!  I love you guys!!!!!  Don’t run off, I was just teasing.

Most of you know the following things if you are a regular reader and/or a Twitter pal:

1. Mr. The Cheeky and I are trying to sell our house and move on to greener pastures

(SINCE I’M SUCH A FAT COW)

2. I’ve also been actively pursuing and researching a career change- to be specific, freelance writing.  You guys like what I have to say, so I’m sure there’s at least one or two misguided individuals out there who would pay to spew my words to the world.  I just have to find them.

3. I had been mysteriously under the weather for many, MANY months.

All of the above has led to  a mental, physical and emotional drain that certainly does not facilitate many bursts of jocular creativity.  Hence, my blog has suffered.

But…after months of barking up the wrong tree and feeling like I’d been run over by a car, I’ve found out for sure what my problem is.  Not to worry, it’s just menopause-NO, I’m not going to blog about it for the moment.

I’m working on pitching the story for a magazine article, because it’s quite funny, actually.  I did NOT have any of the typical symptoms, so the diagnosis took me completely by surprise.  How many other women have suffered my symptoms, and not the ones generally associated with menopause?  Maybe I can actually help someone else.

(Yes, that would be a first.)

So, here I am, doing two things that I probably shouldn’t.

1. Blogging about why I’m not blogging anymore…

~and~

2. Blogging about what I’m not going to blog about.

Why am I doing that?

I must give my readers a little something, or they'll abandon me.

I must give my readers a little something, or they’ll abandon me forever.

How about for the rest of this gripping post, I’ll ….blog about what I’m blogging about!  Makes total sense to me, what about you? 

What a novel idea! We can do this the way we used to in the olden days.

1. I’ll tell you about something real

2. I’ll make it funny

3. Add some killer pics/captions

4. We spend the rest of the day trading witty comments.

That’s the best way I know how to win your undying love and adoration…again. 

All readers must join the freaky assed Cheeky Diva Cult to gain my approval. Come on, you know you want to!

All readers must join the freaky assed Cheeky Diva Cult to gain my approval.

My attempts to garner a following for the CheekyDiva Cult were largely unsuccessful.  I only got a few members. Like this guy. Ewww.

Cheeeeeekkkkyyy....I'm your number one faaaaaaaannnnnnnnnn

Cheeeeeekkkkyyy….I’m your number one faaaaaaaannnnnnnnnn

So, I guess to keep my loyal readers, who I adore and appreciate so very much, I must do what they’ve come to expect. To talk to them already!

Look at me go! 500 words in and I still haven’t gotten to the point.  Feeling almost like my old self again! Back to the topic at hand~my girth

Due to many circumstances beyond my control, compounded by others well within my control, I have slowly but surely gained a few pounds over the last couple of years.  My formerly svelte and toned self was turning to goo.

Just look how smokin' hot I used to be!

Just look how smokin’ hot I used to be!

Feeling like garbage made working every day almost impossible.  Exercising was completely out of the question.  Then I found a miracle worker!

No! Not that one!

No! Not that one!

(A doctor, silly!) And he prescribed some amazingly fast hormone replacement therapy.  I kid you not, I felt almost a hundred percent better within just three days.  All for the low, low price of $4 a month.

“Don’t bullshit us cheeky.” You say.

“Too good to be true!” You scoff.

HOW RIGHT YOU ARE!!!!!

This wonderful, miracle drug made out of horse urine, or whatever, I don’t really want to know, while making me feel much, MUCH better has caused me to gain weight faster than Kim Kardashian.

Oh SHUT UP! I'm pregnant!

Oh SHUT UP! I’m pregnant!

I mean that! I am gaining weight so fast I don’t know what to do.  An average of one pound a week to be exact.  That’s horrific!  You know what that means?? Well, do ya? It means that by this time next year I’ll be at…hold on, let me do the math here….

184 POUNDS

Yeeee Gawds!  Something has to give, and I’m hoping it’s not the front porch while I’m sitting on it, although it seems to be groaning and creaking a lot lately…..

Feeling better makes it easier to do stuff, and I’m trying very hard to watch what I eat.  I’m considering going back to Weight Watchers meetings, because, yes, it actually does work.

I’ll have to keep you posted on my progress, but you can all rest assured that my darling husband, Mr. The Cheeky is doing all he can to motivate and support me.

Good Lord! She's HUGE! Okay! Time for our evening walk! All fat lards report to the front door!

Good Lord! She’s ENORMOUS!! Okay! Time for our evening walk! All fat lards report to the front door!

Yessiree Bob, them thar pills sure are making me fat!

Yessiree Bob, them thar pills sure are making me fat!

Has a medication ever made you pack on the pounds so fast you couldn’t keep up?  What did you do?  Inquiring minds want to know! 

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46 thoughts on “CHEEKY IS SOOOO FAT…….

  1. Yes!! I feel your pain, Cheeky! Those little colorful pills with the m symbol on them were causing me to gain loads of weight! I kicked them to the curb.

    I have no idea what to do when medication makes you gain weight, but I finally figured out what to do when fast food and pizza and sweets make me fat. ;-) You look adorable with that bite of ice cream in front of you (you also look skinny – no double chin). Fun pictures today, too, but the one of the green man squicked me out!

    • I read your post last night, my friend, but too hard to comment on the cell phone. Eric says to just stop taking the pills, but I can’t. When you feel bad enough to call in sick every single day, you just have to have them. I can’t believe you’ve lost so much weight in such a short time! Eric wanted me to warn you that that’s too much too soon! I don’t think I could function on what little food you’re eating. Don’t go and starve yourself, okay?

      • I’m eating the way I posted, but it’s way more food than you think. My smoothies are huge, so are my omelets, and I can barely eat all of my dinner. This is way more food than I was eating before, but the calories aren’t so dense. My calories are coming in around 1200 every day (sometimes I have to eat extra to get there), so I know I’m just fine. I skipped the meat and had a giant bowl of cauliflower casserole last night. It was delicious. Weight loss for me is like this all the time. There’s a freaky huge drop at first (and I swear most of it is water), and then it will level off to about 2 pounds (sometimes 3) a week. I’m not hungry, and there is no way I would starve myself or the pizza and fast food would suck me right back in! I’m feeling really good for now. :-)

        Have you asked the doctor about an alternative pill. Maybe another brand wouldn’t affect you this way.

      • Well, good for you! That’s so awesome! No, I haven’t asked, I was supposed to report back after 3 months, This one, however, is the only one that is $4 prescription at WalMart. There is no way I can afford something else. My insurance isn’t great. They didn’t even pay a dime of the $500 office visit/testing to find out what was wrong with me. An $8000 family deductible makes it practically worthless, when the only other one on it is my very healthy 20 year old. Eric is on a different plan through his work that I can’t join.

      • I do feel your pain on this. We have no insurance, so we pay out the wazoo for everything. When Rich had his heart attack, we had to pay for everything. It took a few years, but we paid for it. That’s one of the reasons we both want to kick butt and just start eating healthier. Head of some health problems before they can get a foot in the door.

      • Yes, but a plan of my own with Blue Cross would actually be cheaper. Not sure what we’ll do. Can’t seem to unload the house. Everything hinges on that. :-)

  2. Cheeky!! You’re beautiful!!!! I think your worries are superfluous. I’m glad to hear you’re feeling better, though. And welcome back!

    • It is! It’s the yummiest fro yo flavor out there! Thanks so much for the read and your nice comments. It was nice to write a post. :-) Coming up on a year here soon already! Wow!

    • Hi there! Thank you. I actually laughed a few times while writing it-which my husband thinks is silly, but if I don’t laugh at what I write, then who will? I have to think it’s funny first.

      I’ve probably gained and lost about 300 pounds in my life (not really, I do love to exaggerate) but I thought I finally had it licked. Stupid medicine. Looks like I just have a new arch nemesis. I was getting bored sparring with my neighbor anyway. Need a new butt to kick. :-)

  3. Step away from the ice cream! And if my math skills are still what they always have been (I believe I got a D- in geometry in 10th grade), your weight now is lower than I’ve ever been in my entire life except for maybe 4th grade. Tell your kids to have children of their own so you can be a soft, fluffy grandma, and let those grandkids play with your maternal blubber. It’ll make everything all right again. :-) Love you my friend! Keep making us all smile.

    • I don’t even know which is less appealing to me-being a fluffy grandma or having “maternal blubber”. I got so used to being blubber free after years of compulsive eating and all the nasty shame and guilt and other stuff that goes along with it. Was pretty happy in my skin, until the above mentioned blubber started to stretch it to capacity.

      So nice to hear from you! Will you be attending the reunion next week?

  4. Hi Cheeky, you’re not alone! I have gained 6 kg in 6 years all by changing from active work to a sedentary workplace, going through menopause (which was a piece of cake and barely a blip in my day-to-day) and going on anti depressants. It’s taken a while to get used to and I can’t say my rolls make me happy, but life without those pills is not worth contemplating for me or my family. I still look okay from most angles (!) and I’m learning how to dress flatteringly. Good luck with whatever you choose, diet or acceptance, it’s what is right for you that matters xxx

    • Jenn, thanks so much for your comments. I must choose to fight it. I absolutely can not afford to replace my wardrobe right now, and fought so hard to lose 55 pounds -and kept it all off for over 5 years-that I refuse to be unhappy with myself again. The first bump came when I took antidepressants too, and that was a hard one. I just can’t go there again. :-)

  5. Yes! I have had a medication do that..its a pretty sucky double edged sword. Although in my case the medication made me feel like crap ..no actually feel nothing and gain weight. I squeezed my ass in my jeans every morning ..knowing I should be mad or upset or something but just doomed to accept fat girl jeans someday (again) with no other option and not even be able to give a crap. And then to want to give a crap I didn’t give a crap but there was nothing there ..and so the viscious cycle of gain dont care dont care oh loook next size …went on for a month. I quit. It took days of crying after I got my give a crap back to get over it but then I lost the whole three lbs (maybe more like um 8 possibly) I gained … plus 28 more I probabably shouldn’t
    have so..I got away lucky this particular med ..I had talked to several people who put on in excess of 20 -30 lbs in a month.. it sounds like the weight gain is the one draw back for you…but if it makes you feel better…your body will adjust at some point..it wants to stay at its set point…if you try to limit the ice cream ;-) boy that looked good too..you will be ok ..I think. So I’ve heard. Yea. Well just be glad you feel better and …you dont have to worry about dressing for work if you are a freelancer..mostly anyways. Besides all that ..yoga pants ..you look active..no one will notice ..like the smell of pinesol can make u see a clean house…smoke and mirrors…and lighting. It will all come full circle..
    Lizzie

  6. Well, I guess I’m not surprised that a medication made from horse urine would have some unfortunate side effects… : P

    My dear Cheeky–! Glad you’re feeling better anyway, and nice to have you back in action. Pardon the cliche advice, but what about working some exercise into the mix, now that you’re feeling more like your old self? Just taking a walk every day would probably help (as long as it’s not with a picnic basket thru dark woods inhabited by big bad wolves).

    Great photos, hang in there!!

    P.S. Where can I buy one of those neat jumbo ice cream spoons?? : )

    • Ha ha! Thanks Mark, Me and Mr. The Cheeky and Daisy The Wondermutt are taking a long walk every night, and I’m eating nothing but rocks and wood, so the pounds should fall off in short order.

      About the spoon? It’s been around forever. My grandma had it, my mom had it, now I have it. Not exactly an heirloom mind you, just one of those things that gets passed down, like that ugly green burlap chair, and no one really knows why.

      Most of the silver plate has flaked off, so it probably isn’t safe to eat off of anymore, but hey, I’m such a daredevil, I’ll risk lead poisoning if it means a faster ice cream delivery method.

  7. Yes, as a matter of fact, I have taken a medication that made me pack on the pounds faster than I could deal with them. Years ago, I suffered from a migraine for over 6 months. The doctors (GP, neurologist & psychiatrist) all tried a host of different medications – to no avail. Finally, the neurologist found a combination of blood pressure medication & an old-fashioned migraine medication not used anymore worked. Within 6 months, I had put on 60 pounds because I could not ever get to a point where I was not hungry. I felt like I was starving all the time. I especially wanted ice cream (& mostly I don’t even like ice cream most of the time).
    Menopause all by itself can cause weight gain, I don’t know if your doctor told you this. I can testify – going through menopause myself.

    • I really didn’t start gaining a significant amount of weight until after I started the medication, but yes, I knew weight gain was part of the fun. So glad you got your headaches to go away though, and yay for ice cream! It cures whatever ails ya! (Unless of course, you’re lactose intolerant.)

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