Will you just look at that ass I’ve grown??? Good lord!

I’m sure those of you who are still hanging onto the hope that I’ll come back have wondered what the hell I’ve been doing for all these months instead of writing.

Well, to be honest, it’s none of your goddam business is it?  Just kidding!  I love you guys!!!!!  Don’t run off, I was just teasing.

Most of you know the following things if you are a regular reader and/or a Twitter pal:

1. Mr. The Cheeky and I are trying to sell our house and move on to greener pastures

(SINCE I’M SUCH A FAT COW)

2. I’ve also been actively pursuing and researching a career change- to be specific, freelance writing.  You guys like what I have to say, so I’m sure there’s at least one or two misguided individuals out there who would pay to spew my words to the world.  I just have to find them.

3. I had been mysteriously under the weather for many, MANY months.

All of the above has led to  a mental, physical and emotional drain that certainly does not facilitate many bursts of jocular creativity.  Hence, my blog has suffered.

But…after months of barking up the wrong tree and feeling like I’d been run over by a car, I’ve found out for sure what my problem is.  Not to worry, it’s just menopause-NO, I’m not going to blog about it for the moment.

I’m working on pitching the story for a magazine article, because it’s quite funny, actually.  I did NOT have any of the typical symptoms, so the diagnosis took me completely by surprise.  How many other women have suffered my symptoms, and not the ones generally associated with menopause?  Maybe I can actually help someone else.

(Yes, that would be a first.)

So, here I am, doing two things that I probably shouldn’t.

1. Blogging about why I’m not blogging anymore…

~and~

2. Blogging about what I’m not going to blog about.

Why am I doing that?

I must give my readers a little something, or they’ll abandon me forever.

How about for the rest of this gripping post, I’ll ….blog about what I’m blogging about!  Makes total sense to me, what about you? 

What a novel idea! We can do this the way we used to in the olden days.

1. I’ll tell you about something real

2. I’ll make it funny

3. Add some killer pics/captions

4. We spend the rest of the day trading witty comments.

That’s the best way I know how to win your undying love and adoration…again. 

All readers must join the freaky assed Cheeky Diva Cult to gain my approval.

My attempts to garner a following for the CheekyDiva Cult were largely unsuccessful.  I only got a few members. Like this guy. Ewww.

Cheeeeeekkkkyyy….I’m your number one faaaaaaaannnnnnnnnn

So, I guess to keep my loyal readers, who I adore and appreciate so very much, I must do what they’ve come to expect. To talk to them already!

Look at me go! 500 words in and I still haven’t gotten to the point.  Feeling almost like my old self again! Back to the topic at hand~my girth

Due to many circumstances beyond my control, compounded by others well within my control, I have slowly but surely gained a few pounds over the last couple of years.  My formerly svelte and toned self was turning to goo.

Just look how smokin’ hot I used to be!

Feeling like garbage made working every day almost impossible.  Exercising was completely out of the question.  Then I found a miracle worker!

No! Not that one!

(A doctor, silly!) And he prescribed some amazingly fast hormone replacement therapy.  I kid you not, I felt almost a hundred percent better within just three days.  All for the low, low price of $4 a month.

“Don’t bullshit us cheeky.” You say.

“Too good to be true!” You scoff.

HOW RIGHT YOU ARE!!!!!

This wonderful, miracle drug made out of horse urine, or whatever, I don’t really want to know, while making me feel much, MUCH better has caused me to gain weight faster than Kim Kardashian.

Oh SHUT UP! I’m pregnant!

I mean that! I am gaining weight so fast I don’t know what to do.  An average of one pound a week to be exact.  That’s horrific!  You know what that means?? Well, do ya? It means that by this time next year I’ll be at…hold on, let me do the math here….

184 POUNDS

Yeeee Gawds!  Something has to give, and I’m hoping it’s not the front porch while I’m sitting on it, although it seems to be groaning and creaking a lot lately…..

Feeling better makes it easier to do stuff, and I’m trying very hard to watch what I eat.  I’m considering going back to Weight Watchers meetings, because, yes, it actually does work.

I’ll have to keep you posted on my progress, but you can all rest assured that my darling husband, Mr. The Cheeky is doing all he can to motivate and support me.

Good Lord! She’s ENORMOUS!! Okay! Time for our evening walk! All fat lards report to the front door!

Yessiree Bob, them thar pills sure are making me fat!

Has a medication ever made you pack on the pounds so fast you couldn’t keep up?  What did you do?  Inquiring minds want to know! 

Beautiful pound cake, oh thee I adore

When I bake you and dress you, with my guests I will score

Your heavenly scent fills the house as you cook

Do I dare open the oven door for a look? 

*****

The longest 75 minutes I wait for your birth

But when you emerge, my soul fills with mirth

How lovely you look, so fluffy and light

Soon you’ll be free from your pan and bring me delight

*****

You appear  a bit stubborn, you coy little jewel

It seems for your removal, I have not the tool

Nor the patience or strength

To achieve this task I must go to great length

*****

Are you painfully shy or just evil incarnate? 

To stay in that pan like a recalcitrant varmint

Just what is your problem, you monstrous thing?

I thought you loved me, you made my heart sing

After scraping and digging, you finally came out

“Just look at this nightmare!” In the kitchen I shout

My wailing falls on deaf ears, but I know you’re listening

Bane of my existence, the black of your soul is glistening

*****

Company’s coming, my lemon laced foe

I’ll find a way ’round this, you forget I’m a pro

The battle you’ve won, but surely not the war

With some fancy footwork, I’ll give you what for 

*****

I cut you to pieces, and with berries I toss

you in a darling little dish and show you who’s boss

A sweet tangy glaze, and a flourish of whipped cream

Now my nightmare cake is the dessert of wild dreams

My husband so proud, my guests doubly thrilled

  But you?..you’re about to get grilled

Listen here cake, don’t mess with me again

Lemon pound cake french toast is my new best friend.

*****

FIN

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Where’s Cheeky?

Did she get her new dream home? 

What about that darling and long suffering husband? 

How does he tolerate her wacky and irrational behavior?

You can relax, all is well.  I have just been so busy and distracted, that I don’t have much left over to write these world famous (HA!), praise-worthy(HA!)  and award winning (Double HA!) blog posts at the moment.

Sit back and I’ll just let the story unfold with one of my delightful picto-blogs.  Please save all questions until the end.  Thank you.

************************************************************************

Cheeky’s Dream Home

You may remember that we found our dream home a few weeks ago.  Well, the offer has been made, and the offer has been accepted.  That is of course, if we sell our current home, which you also may remember, looks like this:

This is us, on our recent first wedding anniversary.
Aren’t we the most delightful couple?

We live in an insanely  hot real estate market, and there has been much activity on our home since we put it on the market.  In fact, we have two more showings today.  Hopefully the offers will start flooding in soon, as many have expressed an interest in buying. When it became apparent that yes, this move will happen, we became ecstatic!…..Well, at least I did.

I’m so happy I could cry! I’m even going to re-purpose this ridiculous bracelet into a chandelier. Aren’t you just thrilled darling? I can’t wait to redecorate the whole house!

You can see in Mr. The Cheeky’s face that while he’s happy, he knows that Pandora’s box has just been opened.  For those of you who have heard about our wedding, you already know that I tend to become completely immersed in whatever my current focus happens to be.  ”Obsessive” may be a good word to describe it.  I just can’t help it!  That’s the way I operate.  So, this is sort of what it’s been like around home for the last few days.

Ooh! We have a fireplace now! Damn, that thing’s fugly. Wonder how you reface something like that….

Hey, guess what? We have a two car garage now!

You know, even though we’ll have a garbage disposal, you still
can’t stuff potato peels down the drain.

Hey guess what? We have a finished basement now!

Oh how he suffers.  He can’t go anywhere without finding me around the corner with another revelation, another idea, another way to make this home just what we (I) want.

Oh look, Dear! This Ralph Lauren suede paint
will be just divine in your new library!

I don’t understand why you can’t build the new pergola for the patio while you recuperate from your surgery. It’s not like you’ll be doing anything else.

I swear to God, if that insufferable woman shows me one more goddam Pinterest board with DIY chair covers, I’m going to hang myself.

Oh for Pete’s Sake! Okay already, I get it! No more about the house! Geez!

That’s a good girl. Now, leave me alone. I have manly man stuff to do.

I guess I’ll just have to do the rest of this on the sly. You won’t tell on me will you?  There’s only a couple of things left to do anyway.

Hello, Anton? Mr. The Cheeky is out right now, so hurry over with those chintz swatches for the fainting couch. Come on, chop chop!

It doesn’t matter who I am. All that matters is that
I bought the house next door,
and you little bastards better stay off of my lawn!

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Reblogged from Pouring My Art Out:

• 
• 
• 
• 

This one is for my friend;

http://thecheekydiva.com/

She finally admitted that she had a picture I could use. I am sure that she thinks I am going to do something frightful to her. But I have such an enormous amount of respect for her writing and blogging skills, that I couldn't bring myself to do anything mean. So I went with silly instead...

Read more… 174 more words

Hello friends, I had to take time out of my busy jet-setting life to  share this powerful and goose bump inducing manifesto, written by my new best friend from LinkedIn, Robert Jennings,~freelance writer and general overall badass.  Take these words to heart. Read them, share them, print them and wallpaper your cubicle with them.

There is always a brighter tomorrow for those of us who dream of building a life from  our creative pursuits, and I thank Robert for this really neato graphic full of  words to inspire those of us who dare to follow the same path.

He posted  this  on his website Freelance Rider, and I promised him that my friends would take a look around his place, so DO it.  Click the link and don’t make a liar out of me.  You know I don’t like that.  So, when you’re done getting your daily dose of awe inspiring warm fuzzy by reading this, get over to Freelance Rider, or NO haikus again for you this Thursday, and I MEAN IT!!!!

Don’t  let the bastards get you down, and don’t take less than you’re worth if at all possible.  And now, just so you know it’s really me, I’ll insert that random picture that has absolutely no relevance whatsoever to this post, just like you’ve come to expect.

Actor portrayal, individual results may vary.

(Maybe it’s these random pictures I insist on including in things that are hampering my success as a writer…hmm, oh well, whatever, gotta be me)

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New Craigslist Reality Show

HOW (NOT) TO GET MURDERED AT WORK

Are you tired of being unemployed? Would you like to be a reality TV star? If you answered YES to both questions, you might be the new star of How (Not) to Get Murdered at Work, a new reality TV show inspired by Craigslist want ads.

Anonymous sources at Craigslist report that founder Craig Newmark and CEO Jim Buckmaster are in talks with a well known network TV station (we can’t tell you which one just yet!) to create this ground breaking reality TV program.

“Combining the site’s sheer variety of want ads with the current downturn in the job market is a natural expansion of the Craigslist brand,” says Newmark.

The show will capitalize on the volume of potentially dangerous Craigslist want ads and will feature a cast selected directly from those people who are searching Craigslist and other job boards in search of new employment.

“We are casting for anyone meeting these descriptions: Unemployed and desperate; career changers who don’t know what to do with their lives; new job seekers without previous experience; graduates with a Russian Literature, Political Science, or some other useless major,” explains Theresa Bittersby, CEO of casting agency Nogood & Giveup, C.A.A.

The details of the show are still in the works, but the basic premise would combine aspects of past reality hits The Real World, Americas Top Model, and Cops as cameras follow cast members attempts to survive employment through progressively dangerous Craigslist want ads. Contestants must report to work and survive each week’s job in order to move on to the next weekly round. Contestants who leave the job before the end of the assignment for any reason including, quitting, murder, dismemberment, or fired will be automatically eliminated.

Cameras will roll as contestants fight to survive job listings that range from “probably harmless” like this example:

To “possibly dangerous,” as seen here…

Progressing to probably definitely dangerous!  

The unemployed, career changers, thrill seekers, and celeb wannabes will need to have all their wits about them if they are to survive each round of How (Not) to Get Murdered at Work. According to our sources, potential candidates will have to undergo grueling interviews, physical exams, and of course, pass the all important hottie-test before they are cast for the show.

Good luck job seekers!

*This article is satire; to our knowledge Craigslist is not producing this type of reality TV show (but, if you’re an interested TV producer, we should take a meeting). For more employment humor and reality career advice, visit whatsbetterthanthis.com  or follow us on Twitter.

We went through a house yesterday that was everything we want and more.  Charming, darling and all kinds of other cutie-patootey words that would make you hurl, so I’ll spare you.  Just take a look.  Isn’t it to DIE for?

It’s got almost everything on our list of  ”must haves” like a garbage disposal, eat in kitchen and a bowling alley in the basement.  It doesn’t have a fenced in yard, and for some reason, hordes of people keep walking by taking pictures of it, but that’s okay! You can’t have everything, right?

I’m sure we’ll be able to get rid of them in short order when we crank the stereo up to 11.  Sure hope the folks in our new neighborhood like Meatloaf.

It’s quite a step up from where we live now, but I’m more than ready to live in a fine neighborhood full of swells.  I’ve been taking pinky raising classes for a few months, and I’m getting pretty good at being fancy.

I’ll miss the old homestead, but not too much, really.   Mr. The Cheeky is getting too old to mow the roof, so he’s as happy as a pig in a…. in a……….. in whatever makes pigs happy.

So now all that remains is for me to find a job.  This may be easier said than done.  You guys have been to the deep recesses of my mind and I’m sure you feel fortunate to have found your way back alive.  I fear I’m just so weird that I may be unemployable.

First thing I think I had better do is change my LinkedIn profile picture.  This one is much better suited to me.  I look old enough to be taken seriously, but my outfit is hip enough to show I am on top of the latest fashion trends.  Staging the photo with good props like a telephone and a typewriter gives the impression that I am a no nonsense Girl Friday with a head for business. (Or at least have a friend with a camera and a typewriter) Just look at that winning smile!  You’d hire me, wouldn’t you?  We’ll just see if months of networking and padding the truth about my mad skillz will actually pay off in the real world.  Wink wink, nudge nudge

All of this may be premature, as we haven’t made an offer yet, and there is the nasty business of selling our current home to attend to.  But, in true cheeky fashion, I’m putting the cart way way WAY ahead of the horse once again, and I’ll think about that shit tomorrow.

Fiddle-dee-dee and all that jazz. I’m a gonna buy me a new house.

Who has the time to worry about selling a house and finding a job?  I’m too busy thinking about what kind of gown I can make out of the drapes so I’ll have something tres cheek to wear when I entertain my new neighbors.

Oh boy! I haven’t seen such a fine piece of aspic on this block since the 70′s!

Darling, you would love to be me for a day, wouldn’t you?

Today’s Prompt:If you could be someone else for a day, who would you be, and why? If that seems too easy, try this one: who would you like to have spend a day as you and what do you hope they’d learn from the experience?

Come on, everybody wants to be me, right?  I’m smart, adorable, I’m charming and people love me.  I got mad kitchen skillz and have throngs of adoring fans and stalkers.

If I had to pick who got to be me for a day, it would have to be my blog minions.  My alter egos that  I mentioned earlier this morning in my comeback post.  These people help me convey different emotions and elements of my personality.

To refresh your memory, here they are, in no particular order:

HORTENCE

I’m not even sure which one of these women is Hortence.  Doesn’t really matter. Hortence is my” go- to” gal when I really want to poke fun at something.  Usually myself.  She brings out the worst in me.  Through her, I’m able to say very unkind things about people (again, usually myself) in a funny way.  She brings an air of nostalgia to this blog that people my age find comforting and familiar.  If Hortence walked a mile in my wingtips, she would see that I have feelings too, and my life isn’t as rosy as she thinks it is.  We all know she says nasty things about me because she’s jealous, and she can’t be happy unless she’s putting someone down……..  Bitch.

DRUNK MOM

When you see Drunk Mom in your reader  or as the featured image, you know you’re in for some really bad advice.  Drunk Mom is the keeper of my most ridiculous and ill conceived thoughts. She is also responsible for my terrible recipes. Drunk Mom usually has her snoot in the booze before she even hauls her ass out of bed.  If Drunk Mom were me for a day, she would learn that I get myself through my days without the aid of “mood enhancing beverages”.  She would see that there are other ways to handle life’s problems.  She would also see why I hide behind her so much.  Because she’s damn funny, and that blaming what comes out of her mouth on the booze is my way of saying some of the things I’m just too afraid to say myself.  She’s my shield.  Harbinger of half baked notions, Drunk Mom allows me to really let myself run wild.

ANGRY GARY

I know how much all of you LOVE this one.  He’s actually my personal favorite.  Angry Gary gets away with more than most people could possibly be allowed to do in real life.  He screams, he swears, he rants and raves.  He’s that uncontrollable part of me that I try to squish down really deep so people don’t think I belong in a hospital for the criminally insane.  If Gary were me for a day, he would see how deep my anger goes, how I have fought hard to control it, how humor is my valve for releasing it.  He would also get a very private look at my 48 years of memories, and the first thing he’d do after getting that information would probably be to punch Drunk Mom square in the jaw.

CRYING KIM

Crying Kim is the friend who helps relate my feelings to the world when I have….feelings…for lack of a better word.  I’m sad, I’m angry, I’m whiny, I’m pregnant, I’ve gained 200 pounds and the whole world is making fun of me….oh wait, that’s the real Kim.  Where was I?  Oh yeah,  I would love it if I could make Crying Kim have to be stuck in my life for a day.  Then she’d have something to cry about.  I’ve been enormous, I’ve had people make fun of me, MY sex tape was all over the internet, and I’ve had a bad marriage.  But, I didn’t have the benefit of shit tons of money to drown my sorrows with.  If I had her money, I’d weigh 400 pounds.  I’d have an endless supply of pizzas and chocolate chip cookies at my disposal when I’m feeling sorry for myself.  If Kim were me for a day, she would see how real people deal with a crisis and carry on their day-to-day lives.  People who have to get up and go to work every day, take care of their families and have to pay the bills~sometimes when there isn’t enough money to do it.  Yeah, our favorite reality star could most definitely benefit from a dose of real reality.

Okay friends, I’m almost done, I promise. I have a bonus round, this one goes to our friend Screaming Janet. We’ll let her close this post with her thoughts:

No Effing WAY I’m going to be her for a day! Just kill me now, Norman, do it!!!!!!

Yay for me! But probably not so good for you.

I have missed doing this little blog thang so much and now that the smart and funny parts of my brain have come out of hibernation, they want to play again.

You know I’ve been doing a little writing elsewhere, trying to connect myself in the real world since I hope to relocate, and cooking up lots of evil plans for a lucrative career in freelance writing and social media~HA! LIKE THAT WILL EVER PAN OUT~

But, I need time to have fun with my friends and let off steam. So, I think I am almost ready to get my dork on and get back to what I do best~

Sit down at the keyboard and let it rip with little thought to what comes out of the other end.

Hortence and Drunk Mom, Angry Gary and Crying Kim…..they are all itching to get back to work and so am I.

While I would love love LOVE to write here every day again, (that was my goal for the year by the way, to not miss a day) I don’t think that will happen.  But, I will do my best to dazzle you with irreverent daily prompts, recipes and haikus.  I know it’s Thursday, but I don’t want to whine and complain about the goddam weather or my goddam health again, so we’ll just skip the haikus for today,K?

The main thing is, I’m going to try very hard to keep this blog from turning to a puddle of goo and sliding into the abysssssssssssss.

Just so you know I’m serious, here’s a completely unrelated picture for your enjoyment:

See? That makes absolutely no sense, does it?  Of course it doesn’t. It’s not supposed to.  The prize goes to whoever who can identify the people in that picture and where it came from.  One last thing, here’s a video that is loosely relevant to this post.  Enjoy it.  I mean it! Just because it wasn’t a big hit doesn’t mean it sucks.  See ya soon!

Cheeky

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Good morning campers!  Please enjoy this post by my good friend Steph!  She is soooooo excited about Eurovision that I just had to let her tell all my friends about it too!  Steph is probably asleep in her little bed now, in her Eurovision jammies, cuddled up on her Eurovision pillow with her collectible Eurovision teddy bear..(I hope she’s not drooling all over her shiny new Eurovision swag), but she will be around later to answer your questions and comments about this awesome event!  Hope you’re all having a fantastic day, and please visit Steph’s blog for other fabulous posts and more info about Eurovision!

******

I am honoured that Cheeky has invited me to visit over at her place today. I’m Steph, I live over at She Said What. Over at my place we are super excited because something huge is coming up. Eurovision 2013! We are unpacking the bedazzler, locating all our multi-coloured wigs, platform heels, sparkly lip gloss and fake eye lashes as we nervously await the highlight of our annual TV viewing calendar.

It has been brought to my attention that Americans in particular my not be aware of Eurovision at all (I pity you, but better late than never!). As such I have posted a brief history of Eurovision, complete with my favourite Eurovision songs of all time here. I can wait while you duck on over and read that quickly… did you see the tin foil drag queens? Now that’s a special Eurovision moment.

So briefly, the Eurovision Song Contest (ESC) began in 1956 and has been televised every year since, making it one of the longest running shows in TV history. It works like this… all of the countries in Europe submit a musical act as their entry. The acts all compete, kind of like the soccer world cup, until there is one ultimate winner. The winners are decided by popular vote. People in participating countries phone in or SMS to vote. They are unable to vote for their own country. This sounds democratic, however block voting is common and usually the voting is political. Nevertheless the ESC has been bringing the countries of Europe together in peaceful association for decades. Each year the competition is held in the home Country of the previous year’s winner. In 2012 Sweden won with their piece ‘Euphoria’ so this year we are off to Malmo! The two semi finals will be run on May 14^th and 16^th, and the final will run on May 18^th.

The official Eurovision 2013 website has recently released the preview videos of this year’s entries . Get your sparkle on – it’s a great bunch of entries this year. I have selected some of the best to show you. I hope you enjoy your little window into Eurovision…

My pick for the best and funniest Eurovision entry this year would have to go to Romania

I love that falsetto! I would never have thought to pair opera with rock/disco/pop, but it actually works. He did actually just say that he wants to paint his world in poo. I’m hoping that’s just a problem with the English translation. I can’t wait to see how they present this on stage in Malmo. They’re going to rock it.

The next entry I’d like to highlight is my choice for best outfit. It’s Latvia with ‘Here we Go’.The sparkly suits and the bare chests, yes that really works! They also use the keytar. Not in the same way as JT uses the keytar mind you, but it’s still a little bit awesome

Here We Go! Now wasn’t that fun?

Next we have best accent fail. This is the entry from Finland. Obviously English is not her native tongue. She does a pretty good job at singing in English, except for one small problem. See if you can pick it…

Whoah Krista – F you too!

Here is my choice for the best ‘ethnic’ sound. This song is called “Samo Shampioni” and it really captures the cultural feel of Bulgaria, plus it has a lot of drums, and I like drums…

I don’t know what that bagpipe/flute thingy is but I really feel like I’m standing in a market square in Bulgaria. This is a fantastic entry.

Next we have a piece from Lithuania. I put this one in for you because it gets my vote for best use of eyebrows. You don’t need to watch the whole clip. Just to the first chorus will do, seen one verse, seen them all…

You have to admit that’s some epic eyebrow action right there. I wonder if it will carry over onto the big stage?

Here’s a fun little ditty from Greece. This one gets my vote for best drinking song, and coincidentally it’s called “The Alcohol is Free”, pity it’s not really…

I feel drunk just watching it!

My next video is my pick of the power ballads. The power ballad is a particular institution of Eurovision. They have proven very hard to beat in the past. If a country can turn up with a great power ballad the competition may as well pack up and go home. Here’s Georgia with Waterfall…

I can feel the love in my eyes and the wind in my hair, pouring down like a waterfall even.

We have almost arrived at that point, the point where I pick my winner for 2013. But before I do, here’s my pick for runner up. They have cute guys, cute girls and a ukulele. Let’s hear it for Malta!

Tell me that wasn’t fun!

And now… a drum roll… My choice for the winner of Eurovision 2013 – It’s Denmark with “Only Teardrops”!

That was just… epic and beautiful and charming and lovely and catchy and excellent use of wind machine! I will be making a sign for my Eurovsion party proclaiming myself firmly in Camp Denmark this year.

‘DENMARK 2013! I’LL GIVE YOU MY TEARDROPS!’

Well I hope you have enjoyed my little summary of the best of 2013. I will be taking notes at my Eurovision party. I will try not to spill alcohol on them, I will try not to get glitter in my eyes, I will not get cigarette burns on my spandex again (that was a bad year I can tell you). Come across and follow my blog for the updates as they unfold. Until then, thank you Cheeky for having me, it has been a trip!

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